Saturday, January 19, 2013

ooooh, Life!!!

...When one of you all figures out this thing we call life, let me in on your secret, would you??  Cuz I'm feeling like a bit of a basket case at the moment. rotten fruit this time, just a confused bunch :)

Maybe I'm writing now to avoid homework. Or maybe it's because I'm feeling a bit homesick tonight. Or maybe partly because I just looked at a friend's blog ( and it's like my favorite blog ever, but it always makes me sooo stinkin' nostalgic! that much (plus our names :) ) Nicole and I have in common. Or maybe because I still don't know how I feel about this whole college thing. I mean, I like it here. It's good to be back. buuuuut, it's also hard.  I miss my family and community (have I ever mentioned that?) Plus, my gorgeous and wonderful roommate transferred, so I'm all alone for a while, which is kind of odd.  So that plus who-knows-what-else seems to be taking over the part of my brain that's supposed to be figuring out Communications class.  Maybe writing the distractions out will once again get them out of the way, for at least a little while.

Over New Years, I decided that during 2013, I want to laugh more, worry less, and love life.  I remember Dad preaching a sermon about contentment, and he said the best cure to being discontent is being thankful instead.

So, here's to being content and loving life once again.  A list of my favorites at the moment:

I'm thankful for a good school. A place to learn and stretch myself.  ...hopefully the art of staying focused is one I'll improve this semester, even though I'm clearly not off to a good start! :/

I'm thankful for the mind God has given me, even though it has problems focusing.

I'm thankful to know what it is to truly miss home.

I'm thankful for surprise run-ins with friends I hadn't yet seen this semester.

I'm thankful for snowy evenings that make it so I get to sleep in and take cute pics!


I'm thankful for the tears that help me remember Mom and Dad and the depth of their love.  Even though it hurts.

I'm thankful for sappy old country songs that make me think of Dad and how just about every love song was his song to Mom at some point.

I'm thankful for MilkyWay's (even though my figure may not be! hehe) because Mom loved them.  Especially out of the fridge with a good, cold Coke.

I'm thankful for the prayers sent on my darkest nights that remind me God knows what's going on, and He is in control.

I'm thankful for the promises of a faithful God.
11" For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity."  ~Jeremiah 29:11

So. I guess I really have quite a bit to be thankful for.  I just have to "train my mind" as my sister's man says!  Some day, all of this will make sense.  For now, with the good Lord's help, I'll just enjoy the days--the moments--I'm given, and I'll be thankful.

Sunday, January 6, 2013

The One That Got Away

(Warning: the following is a post full of confessions from a sleep-deprived, still-trying-to-figure-this-grieving-thing-out, teenage girl.)

Wowzers. ...I don't even know where to start...

My first semester of college is over, PTL (praise the Lord).  While it was good, it was also a challenge I'm glad to have completed.  Classes went well, and the girls in my hall are wonderful! was...different than I expected.  For starters, there are so many people! So many new people, and I didn't realize how much I would miss the community back home.  I guess I expected more of the summer-camp-type relationships where the girls you live with become your best friends right away, and you laugh and have a good time, but deep conversations also come naturally.  I've had some of that at college, but those "life-long" friends? ...I'm still waiting to see what God has for me as far as that goes.  That said, relationships are a much bigger challenge than I expected.

And then, I came home for Christmas break. ..."home"...such a strange concept these days, especially if "home is where the heart is."  You see, I'm not really sure I know where my heart is.  Some times it's at our house where I grew up and learned so much about life through Mom and Dad.  Other times it's at the Fiordelise's where my family mostly is now.  Many days it's several years down the road in what I imagine my home, with my family, to be.  And more often than I ever thought would be the case at 19 years old, my heart has moved past it all, and I long for heaven and an end to all this struggling. 

But here I am, and so I'm trying to figure out how to live the days I'm given. Trying to know when it's good to figure things out, and when I need to just let things be. Trying to find joy in the days to come and not fear.  Trying to keep my focus on God's character and provision instead of all the world has and could hurl at me.  ...always trying...and I get so tired of all the fighting within me.

I get tired of waiting for life's next great tragedy.

Fear. Fear is so crippling. Love...has the power to set the darkest heart free. So why do I choose fear so often?

I want to again be that girl who "laughs at the days to come."

So. I guess I'm trying not to try so much.  I want to enjoy the moments.  I want to see the good and exciting things of life again.  I don't want my days to slip away before I realize what a good thing I've got.  I want to be as Mom and Dad were described in Gehman Photography's blog post I just read: "alive! Inside and out."

Sometimes a "bright future" seems like an event, locked behind giant doors, impossible to open.  Until, through a song on the radio or an old inbox from a complete stranger, a hug or smile from a friend, or through a Psalm I highlighted when my biggest problems were high school drama and tests, I am reminded that I hold the key in my pocket.  So I reach in and take it out.  And inscribed on that key is one simple word.  Love. 

I have the love that Mom and Dad raised us with, and I have the Love of the One who now welcomes them into His Home.  His perfect love.  And perfect love, my friends, drives out fear. (1 John 4:18)

...Knowing all that, it's still strange that my New Year seems to be waiting for February 4, the day of the accident.  I know I won't ever "move on." I'll just move differently.  Yet moment by moment, I'm learning to lean on that Love and take God up on His offer to carry my burdens.  And when I do, He is always faithful.  In fact, He's even faithful when I don't.