The One That Got Away

(Warning: the following is a post full of confessions from a sleep-deprived, still-trying-to-figure-this-grieving-thing-out, teenage girl.)

Wowzers. ...I don't even know where to start...

My first semester of college is over, PTL (praise the Lord).  While it was good, it was also a challenge I'm glad to have completed.  Classes went well, and the girls in my hall are wonderful!  But...it was...different than I expected.  For starters, there are so many people! So many new people, and I didn't realize how much I would miss the community back home.  I guess I expected more of the summer-camp-type relationships where the girls you live with become your best friends right away, and you laugh and have a good time, but deep conversations also come naturally.  I've had some of that at college, but those "life-long" friends? ...I'm still waiting to see what God has for me as far as that goes.  That said, relationships are a much bigger challenge than I expected.

And then, I came home for Christmas break. ..."home"...such a strange concept these days, especially if "home is where the heart is."  You see, I'm not really sure I know where my heart is.  Some times it's at our house where I grew up and learned so much about life through Mom and Dad.  Other times it's at the Fiordelise's where my family mostly is now.  Many days it's several years down the road in what I imagine my home, with my family, to be.  And more often than I ever thought would be the case at 19 years old, my heart has moved past it all, and I long for heaven and an end to all this struggling. 

But here I am, and so I'm trying to figure out how to live the days I'm given. Trying to know when it's good to figure things out, and when I need to just let things be. Trying to find joy in the days to come and not fear.  Trying to keep my focus on God's character and provision instead of all the world has and could hurl at me.  ...always trying...and I get so tired of all the fighting within me.

I get tired of waiting for life's next great tragedy.

Fear. Fear is so crippling. Love...has the power to set the darkest heart free. So why do I choose fear so often?

I want to again be that girl who "laughs at the days to come."

So. I guess I'm trying not to try so much.  I want to enjoy the moments.  I want to see the good and exciting things of life again.  I don't want my days to slip away before I realize what a good thing I've got.  I want to be as Mom and Dad were described in Gehman Photography's blog post I just read: "alive! Inside and out."

Sometimes a "bright future" seems like an event, locked behind giant doors, impossible to open.  Until, through a song on the radio or an old inbox from a complete stranger, a hug or smile from a friend, or through a Psalm I highlighted when my biggest problems were high school drama and tests, I am reminded that I hold the key in my pocket.  So I reach in and take it out.  And inscribed on that key is one simple word.  Love. 

I have the love that Mom and Dad raised us with, and I have the Love of the One who now welcomes them into His Home.  His perfect love.  And perfect love, my friends, drives out fear. (1 John 4:18)

...Knowing all that, it's still strange that my New Year seems to be waiting for February 4, the day of the accident.  I know I won't ever "move on." I'll just move differently.  Yet moment by moment, I'm learning to lean on that Love and take God up on His offer to carry my burdens.  And when I do, He is always faithful.  In fact, He's even faithful when I don't.