Is there evidence that I have touched other people's lives?
If spreading the fingerprints of Christ were a crime, would I have been arrested more times than I can count?
Do my words and actions towards other people make a lasting impression on who that person is and becomes? Or am I just another face in the crowd because I never took the time to invest in another's life?
...If I died while those I did life with are still alive, would my facebook wall be flooded with accounts of the differences, or at least impressions, that I made? ...Has my life spoken the volumes I know Mom and Dad's did?
I share these thoughts, not to hear affirmation. not to be told what people think of me. Just to be honest. With myself, I suppose.
I want to live a life as full as they did. I want to have an impact on as many people as they did. I want people to know me for the person Christ molds me into, and not the fears and insecurities Satan hurls at me. In fact, I don't want people to see me at all. I want them to see Christ.
And that means making some changes. some sacrifices. It means letting go of me and holding onto God.
...I tend to share my deep, put together thoughts on here, but I promise I'm still a work in progress! Trust me, I'm as messy as the room I sit in (and that's bad! ask my sisters, hehe).
Pride has always been something I struggle with. Pride and wanting to have a reason to be proud. to be flawless and beautiful and talented. to have other people like me. to be admired when I'm seen.
I confuse myself! I'm sure glad God knows what He's seeing when He looks at me, cuz I have nooo idea!! For example, I love serving people, but are my motives pure? Do I serve because that's what Christ did and because the people I'm serving are worthy of it, or do I serve to be seen and have people know how much I enjoy serving? to have them think I'm just wonderful? I think it depends on the day....
I don't think I'm the only one who thinks and feels this way. I just get so impatient sometimes! And lazy. I want my heart to be pure and blameless, but do I really take time to check out the dark corners and give things over to God? Not often enough. Am I brave enough to hear the things I need to work on? Rarely. When the things tripping me up are exposed, do I focus on getting rid of the obstacle or blazing a new trail so they're not an issue? Eh, on occasion...for a day or so...maybe. See. I'm more pathetic than I care to admit.
I will admit that blogging is kind of scary. What if people don't like what they read? or they think less of me after they read it? ...But there I go again, looking for my value and worth in the approval of other people.
Cuz what if my writing has the opposite effect? What if it gives hope to another young lady struggling with letting go of the world's expectations and figuring out instead what it is God wants her to be? What if it gets other people thinking and chosing to make changes in their own lives? What if exposing a bit of my heart lets one other person know that God is still on their side, and so they join the family of believers and find the love God so desperately wants to give them? What if me spilling my guts is exactly what someone else needs?
Honestly, I hope most of my readers are other ladies--of all ages!--because I feel like we'll be more on the same page with all of this. Men...well, we need them, but they're not always as understanding about these things. No offense to any guys reading this :) And ladies, I believe we need eachother. Nothing beats sharing your heart with other women who can comfort and encourage and share wisdom! I wish more of us had older ladies in our lives who we weren't afraid to fall apart in front of. I wish more of us reached out to the younger ladies in our lives who just need a friend. I wish we took time to slow down, enjoy our favorite refreshments with another woman, and talk with "mentors" about school and sports and boys and our struggles and the things that simply make our hearts smile! I think we would be much healthier if we did. Even if those favorite treats have a bit too much sugar :)
I want us to make an impact on everyone we come into contact with. And I want to see us invest time and wisdom into the lives of others. I don't want all this "independence" stuff to get in the way of leaning on the support systems God offers.
Most of all, I want us to quit doing life on our own. Life is exhausting that way. God placed other people on this earth for a reason. And above all, He gave us direct access to Himself. He is so powerful, and yet so gentle as He handles our hearts and our deepest fears! Though giving up control is scary, it's always worth it when we give the control to the One who knows the "big picture."