Saturday, June 23, 2012

The Evidence Room

The other day, I was watching one of the millions of crime shows on TV.  It talked about how the evidence from a crime is never really gotten rid of.  It just sits there and piles up.  I don't know if that's true or not, but that with some other recent events got me thinking...

Is there evidence that I have touched other people's lives?

If spreading the fingerprints of Christ were a crime, would I have been arrested more times than I can count?

Do my words and actions towards other people make a lasting impression on who that person is and becomes? Or am I just another face in the crowd because I never took the time to invest in another's life?

...If I died while those I did life with are still alive, would my facebook wall be flooded with accounts of the differences, or at least impressions, that I made?  ...Has my life spoken the volumes I know Mom and Dad's did? 

I share these thoughts, not to hear affirmation. not to be told what people think of me. Just to be honest. With myself, I suppose. 

I want to live a life as full as they did.  I want to have an impact on as many people as they did. I want people to know me for the person Christ molds me into, and not the fears and insecurities Satan hurls at me. In fact, I don't want people to see me at all.  I want them to see Christ. 

And that means making some changes. some sacrifices. It means letting go of me and holding onto God. 

 ...I tend to share my deep, put together thoughts on here, but I promise I'm still a work in progress!  Trust me, I'm as messy as the room I sit in (and that's bad! ask my sisters, hehe). 

Pride has always been something I struggle with.  Pride and wanting to have a reason to be proud. to be flawless and beautiful and talented. to have other people like me. to be admired when I'm seen. 

I confuse myself!  I'm sure glad God knows what He's seeing when He looks at me, cuz I have nooo idea!! For example, I love serving people, but are my motives pure?  Do I serve because that's what Christ did and because the people I'm serving are worthy of it, or do I serve to be seen and have people know how much I enjoy serving? to have them think I'm just wonderful?  I think it depends on the day....

I don't think I'm the only one who thinks and feels this way.  I just get so impatient sometimes! And lazy.  I want my heart to be pure and blameless, but do I really take time to check out the dark corners and give things over to God?  Not often enough.  Am I brave enough to hear the things I need to work on?  Rarely.  When the things tripping me up are exposed, do I focus on getting rid of the obstacle or blazing a new trail so they're not an issue?  Eh, on occasion...for a day or so...maybe.  See. I'm more pathetic than I care to admit. 

I will admit that blogging is kind of scary.  What if people don't like what they read? or they think less of me after they read it?  ...But there I go again, looking for my value and worth in the approval of other people. 

Cuz what if my writing has the opposite effect? What if it gives hope to another young lady struggling with letting go of the world's expectations and figuring out instead what it is God wants her to be?  What if it gets other people thinking and chosing to make changes in their own lives?  What if exposing a bit of my heart lets one other person know that God is still on their side, and so they join the family of believers and find the love God so desperately wants to give them?  What if me spilling my guts is exactly what someone else needs? 

Honestly, I hope most of my readers are other ladies--of all ages!--because I feel like we'll be more on the same page with all of this.  Men...well, we need them, but they're not always as understanding about these things. No offense to any guys reading this :)  And ladies, I believe we need eachother.  Nothing beats sharing your heart with other women who can comfort and encourage and share wisdom!  I wish more of us had older ladies in our lives who we weren't afraid to fall apart in front of.  I wish more of us reached out to the younger ladies in our lives who just need a friend.  I wish we took time to slow down, enjoy our favorite refreshments with another woman, and talk with "mentors" about school and sports and boys and our struggles and the things that simply make our hearts smile!  I think we would be much healthier if we did.  Even if those favorite treats have a bit too much sugar :)




  
...Anyway, I got my father's gift of going off on bunny trails :) But somehow it all ties together.  This one being that I miss Mom and our heart to hearts, and I hope I can be the person who others feel comfortable spilling their guts to because they know I really care. just like she did.  I would love to see girls (including me!) embrace who God has created them to be, and to get there with the support of other Christ-loving women.  I want to forget about me and embrace God. And I want other young ladies to do the same. 

I want us to make an impact on everyone we come into contact with.  And I want to see us invest time and wisdom into the lives of others.  I don't want all this "independence" stuff to get in the way of leaning on the support systems God offers. 

Most of all, I want us to quit doing life on our own.  Life is exhausting that way.  God placed other people on this earth for a reason.  And above all, He gave us direct access to Himself.  He is so powerful, and yet so gentle as He handles our hearts and our deepest fears! Though giving up control is scary, it's always worth it when we give the control to the One who knows the "big picture."

Monday, June 18, 2012

The Ants go Marching On...

The ants go marching one by one...down the the ground, to get out of the rain....

I guess everyone goes through this phase at one time or another...and right now, it's my turn.  I'm feeling a bit like one of those poor little ants who kept marching, trying to get out of the rain.  But the rain doesn't wait until they're safely inside.  Each turn of the page leads to yet another adventure, another thing that keeps them marching, moving forward, as they try to deal with life's storm. Time simply won't stop--not even for a little bit, no matter how badly they want it to.  And that poor little guy in the back...it doesn't matter how they march--2 by 2 or 8 by 8--something else always comes up.  Being the smallest, I'm sure he's got to work twice as hard to keep up--trust me, I know about that! :)  And if we've got anything else in common, he's probably been wishing for quite some time that he was safe in the ant hill. -Finally able to sit and relax. to breath and figure out what's going on in life.  But still, a steady drizzle and the unexpected loom around the bend. 

Now don't get me wrong.  Some of the distractions are fun! Like the "jump and jive" part. Those moments of laughter are like an umbrella, able to keep us dry for a bit, even if the sound of rain above never completely lets us break free.  But other times, the everyday moments of life trip us up. Sometimes I find myself tying shoes to avoid loose ends and tripping when I'm not expecting it.  Other times I'm left picking up sticks--moving the junk so other people see a nice, pretty yard when they look at me.  Often, those "sticks" make it no farther than to a pile in the back yard to be dealt with later.  And so, the pile keeps growing.  And eventually, it spills over into an entry like this one, exposing everything that's been buried for so long.  Making public the frustrations that only a few people have heard about.

I suppose blogging like this is my way of sorting out the sticks--the emotions and struggles that clutter things up.  My time to figure out which things I can hold onto for later, knowing they will someday bring joy, and which things I need to let go of.  Which sticks can be used for roasting marshmallows and which need to go straight to the burn pile, if you will!

When I stop and look at life right now, it's crazy!  I suppose that's what makes me feel like one of those ants, wishing I could just stop time while the storm passed. But life's really not that bad.  The force of losing Mom and Dad has lessened from a raging hurricane to more occasional scattered thunderstorms.  The sun stays out longer, and I'm learning to carry some sort of umbrella to block out or lessen the effect of the unexpected storms, as they do still come.  I suppose they always will.  But as with the clouds that must eventually let go, unable to hold another drop, I'm finding those times of letting go bring a sense of relief and refreshment, softening my heart so good things can grow. 

...Whether all those metaphors make sense or not, I'm not sure.  If not, I suppose you can join me in the confusion that life brings.  Just when I think I've got it figured out, I'm reminded how out of my control life really is. But now, I'll talk in plain English to give you an idea of some of the adventures--the good ones :) --that life has handed us over the past few months since I last wrote.  ...Brace yourself or feel free to skim--a lot has happened! :)

I survived the National Honor Society banquet, break-down-free!  ...I came close to losing it for a while after the time of honoring Mom and Dad, but managed to pull it together.  Below is me and my "most influential teacher."  -A wonderful lady who taught me about life, both in her biology classes and the way she lives day to day.



Next came a trip to the big city--New York City to be exact! The adventure began with a care package from my wonderful cousin, Debbie, and her four boys.  It was filled with lots of yummy food and a precious note to help get us through the looooong bus ride.


The following few days were filled with sight seeing, a bit of performing (it was a choir trip, after all), and more food!

...We experienced the crazy traffic (I definitely prefer a tractor slowing things down to a NYC traffic jam!) ...


...tossed pennies into a fountain just so we could say we had :) ...


...saw the Broadway show, Wicked!!...



...and so much more! (haha, I sound like a commercial now :) ) Over the course of this trip, we also lived on sleep deprivation, bargained in China Town, saw Ellis Island, and did a variety of other tourist-y things.

The next big thing to get through was Easter.  While not having Mom and Dad there just didn't seem right, we still managed to have some fun with riding around on the 4-wheeler and an Easter egg hunt...




After that came prom!! 
...Carrie and I got to get our nails done--a new and very fun experience for us! ...


...and that Saturday, Debbie joined me with a "strawberry daiquiri" as I got my hair done by the lovely Mrs. Seward...


...after spending some time with the girls at a friends a friend's house, I returned to my house and finished getting ready...with a little help from my cousin who wanted to get fancy with me :) ...



...and theeeen, my date showed up looking all handsome in his tux :)  Once I FINALLY got his boutonniere pinned on (with a little help), we couldn't pass the opportunity to take pictures with some dandelions! We had joked about having them as our corsage and boutonniere because they were yellow like my dress :) ...


...after that, we enjoyed a meal our parents had prepared for us, and then took part in the Grand March! (I'm told I walked too fast, but hey, they had plenty of time to see us all dressed up :) ) ...


The theme for the evening was "Into the Ocean" and I suppose this would be an appropriate time to mention that the Monday before prom, my date and I jumped into the official world of dating! :) Since then, we have just enjoyed getting to know each other.  "Dates" are usually hanging out at one of our houses, talking, learning about the other's childhood pass-times, cooking dinner over a fire--even when it rains!--and watching family "classics."

...We've also enjoyed an evening bowling on a triple date :) ...


Other things filled our days before the end of school,  such as going to Dan Gable's house with the Mid-Prairie wrestling team and enjoying a meal by their pool side.  This awesome opportunity was set up for us during the benefit auction that was held for our family...


...and my spare minutes were spent with charcoal all over my fingers as I finished putting together my AP Art portfolio. While my favorite 5 pieces were sent off to the college board to be evaluated, these are a few I displayed at my graduation party...


...At last, the final day of my high school career rolled around!!  I signed out for the last time ever...


...and Carrie and Hannah and I sent out the year quite well! We enjoyed spending the night in a cabin and using the row boat to catch bull frogs! ...After we squished some spiders that were crawling on the boat.  That's what's going on in the boat picture :) ...



...We then had a week or so to get ready for our graduation party.  Family came in from out of town, and the mix of getting ready for our own party while trying to sleep and make it to other parties was quite the challenge! It all came together at last. With the help of a group of wonderful ladies from church, our menu of cheese cake, chips and an assortment of dips, homemade mints, and sweet tea was a success I hear :) ...


...A "Welcome Table" that was seen when guests first came in displayed pictures of Carrie and I together as we were growing up.  I should mention for those of you who aren't as familiar with our family, Carrie is my cousin and has been my best friend as long as I can remember! ...


...we found the coolest thing online and decorated with "floating" pearls!! This picture from above doesn't show them quite as well, but it was awesome :)  ...


...And of course pictures were taken with the family--both sides...



...the next day was my official last day as a Mid-Prairie student.  Graduation had come at last!  Our seminar (same group of students, with the same teacher all four years of high school) got together one last time for a group picture around the bench they placed in front of the school in honor of Mom and Dad...


...and theeeeeennn...I GRADUATED!!!! ....


...more pictures were taken with friends and family...



...and the day was finished off with more parties. 


Whew.  If you made it all the way through that, I commend you!  Those are just the highlights, and not all of them!  Also thrown into the mix has been teaching Vacation Bible School, trying to make it to baseball games, some babysitting, and dealing with the thoughts of college and all the changes that will bring. 

As you can see, life has been a blur for quite some time now.  I suppose my break-down this afternoon may have been from finally stopping and realizing the craziness of it all.  While I obviously have moments of feeling defeated, I believe God is using this time to draw me closer to Him.  I am learning that He truly is my Strength in times of weakness.  My heart has to be reminded every day to cling to the Rock instead of the passing things of this world.  He is trying to train my mind to rest in Him and His security, even in the midst of uncertainty.  And every.day. a blessing is sent my way to assure me that I'm not forgotten.  That I am still loved and valued.  That "God is faithful. Tomorrow will be better."  And He has it all under control.