(The following is an extra-long, kind of unorganized update of Life since Louisville. See, I actually started this post 3 or 4 months ago and just got around to finishing it--shocker! My own heart needed reminded of the things He taught me then, in light of the things I'm struggling with now, so the long version it is!)
Even before Pinterest made it famous, fall was my favorite season.
Of course, there are brilliant colors and the sweet smell of the leaves as they fall. There are cozy sweaters, and hay rides, and delicious foods. There's harvest and less humidity (hooray for better hair days!). The air feels crisp and clean, and somehow it clears my mind and quiets my heart while waking me up inside.
And there's hunting season. For someone who's never personally had a hunting license...I. love. hunting season. You see, if you knew my dad, you know he had a deep admiration and respect for the care and power and wisdom of God that is expressed in His creation. The outdoors is where Dad refueled. And he passed that on to me, largely through sharing the activities of hunting season. Hunting season meant walks with Dad, learning about the woods and the creatures that fill them. It meant late nights, working with Dad and the siblings to clean a deer in the machine shed. It meant getting to skip school to traipse through a field, with out-of-state family members, in pursuit of a, "Rooster!" (For those who don't know, a rooster is a male pheasant, and when a bird flies, you hope everyone calls, "Rooster!" because you're not supposed to shoot the hens.)
Or sometimes, I'd skip school to be with the women at home. On those days, we laughed, and cooked, and colored pictures, and cooked some more. Evening would come, and the guys would bring home their birds and their stories. As we shared a meal, we would relive the highs and lows of the day, as well as memories from previous hunts, before retiring in front of the wood stove, the tired dogs nearby and a good book in hand.
We learned a lot in those days. About life, and love, and family. About God's creativity and provision.
So fall is my favorite. It's a piece of home. It reminds me of God's goodness, both in the past and in the days to come.
How fitting that God brought me to Louisville at the onset of fall. For I knew quickly that this would be a very sweet season of life.
This summer, as I thought about moving to a new city, I tried to look forward with both excitement and a realistic picture of the challenges I would face. For example: Yay for my sister, brother-in-law, and niece being nearby!! But...I'd have no idea how to get around. There would be concrete everywhere, and traffic. There would be people everywhere --but very few whom I actually knew. Clearly, two of my main concerns were that corn fields and cows would no longer be my closest neighbors and that making friends without being in school would be a great hurdle.
I sit here, nearly 6 months later, and am in awe of the ways the Lord has provided. Let's just begin by praising Him for GPS systems. Without them, many tears would have been spilled over trying to navigate this new land! Actually, I probably would have just stayed in most of the time. Instead, I have been led to parks, and homes, and antique shops, and coffee shops, and church, and back to a cozy little townhouse I now call "home." And in these places, my soul has been strengthened by open spaces, and laughter, and warm hugs, and rich conversation. He is faithful and kind, indeed.
And you know what? Had He sent me to Louisville and withheld every one of these tangible gifts, His faithfulness would not have been diminished one bit. One thing I continue to learn is that, though His visible gifts are wonderful and should be cherished, the sweetest thing God gives us is access to Himself. One of the pastors at the church I now attend reminded us the other day that, "Though God cannot be known exhaustively, He can be known truly."
So today, I returned to my favorite little table, at one of my favorite coffee shops, to take advantage of a slow day and the opportunity to know Him more truly. As I covered the table with my usual, unorganized collection of quiet time essentials and let my mind wander between what I was reading, and the traffic before me, and the bits of overheard conversations, and the truths I'm being taught at church, and the realities of the decisions I'm currently facing (further evidence of my father in me :) ), the Lord kindly synchronized these into a cohesive thought:
How impatient I become at the red lights of life! But in those days, as I am forced to sit and wait, the Lord continues working. He is clearing the path, making a way, actively orchestrating my life. Red lights are not a time to despair, to fidget, to rage. They are a time to rest, observe, reflect. To thank God for His protection, His provision, His perfect knowledge and ability. Lord, help me to rejoice in the waiting!
In the wake of the Lord's clear provision after moving here, I've allowed my heart to become anxious at the remaining unknowns of life. I know I'll be here in Louisville this next year--that He is asking me to remain and grow in faithfulness and intentionality where I'm at...but that's it. I don't know yet how working and serving and relationships will look, and I find I'm pretty good at leaning on my own understanding to try and figure it all out. Meanwhile, He asks--even commands!--that I trust Him. He's grown me in the trust department through the obvious ups and downs. Now I'm learning to trust Him, actively, in the waiting.
That means, most of all, I continue seeking Him. And when I find Him--when my soul is refreshed by promises and evidence of His working in the waiting since the beginning of time--I find the waiting isn't such a big deal. I'm reminded that the Lord will have His way, His way is best, and He's always right on time.
That's all I have, really, but He's teaching me that that's enough. After all, through His perfect way and timing, "my greatest need has been met" in the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ. He has called me by name and promises to complete the work He's started in my life. May we, as Christians, rejoice in the opportunity to serve Him in the day-to-day, and the assurance that He remains on His throne, today and forever!
Saturday, February 18, 2017
Monday, October 10, 2016
Include the Grace
I want to begin this post by telling you a little about a lady name Elisabeth Elliot. For those unfamiliar with her story, the short version is that she lost her first husband while they were missionaries in Ecuador. He was killed by the tribe they had gone to serve. After her husband's death, she stayed there for two years, living out the Gospel to the very men who killed her husband. She returned to the States, remarried, and lost her second husband to a battle with cancer. And she still had the courage to marry a third time. In the midst of it all, she became a well-known author and speaker, faithfully serving her Lord and Savior. Hers is a faith I want to know more about.
So, over the past year or so, I looked at every thrift store, every clearance shelf, hoping to come across a book by Elisabeth Elliot. Yes, I know...I could purchase one on Amazon or something super simple like that. But for some reason, I didn't. For some reason, I kept looking. And it worked out pretty well for me. At the end of this summer, I came across one of her lesser-known books titled, "The Path of Loneliness." Truth be told, this life-path without Mom and Dad, in a family and workplace full of married and dating peers, can be a bit lonely. The Lord and I have been working on this one (recognizing, and trusting, and delighting in His presence) quite a bit over the last several years, so, I just chuckled, told my sister I'd found my book, and left super excited about my purchase.
As I read these pages, I find priceless challenges and overwhelming hope. Many of these finds have come from thoughts I've held in my heart being so clearly put to words by another who knows what it is to grieve. Many more have come from the transparency of Elisabeth's writing as she shares, from great wisdom and grace, about the lessons her Heavenly Father has taught her along her own path of loneliness and healing.
One of the first things that hit me hard is this: "Those who only watch and pray and try to put themselves in the place of the bereaved find it almost unendurable. Sometimes they weep uncontrollably, for their imaginations never include the grace."
How true I have found this, both as others watched my siblings and I after Mom and Dad's death and as I now watch others begin their own journey of grief. I hate, more than almost anything, the moment I find out someone else is just beginning the grieving and healing process. I remember the raw brokenness. I know that soon, the rest of the world will go on as normal while the one hurting is trying to figure out what "normal" even means now. I know the complexity of the path ahead. I hate that others have to walk that path.
And then I remember the grace. And I am faced, again, with the realization that I hate that moment because I place my human limitations on the Almighty God. I cast the shadow of my own weariness over the situation and forget that the God who saw me through is every bit as capable in this new situation, in this other person's life.
The Lord reminds me that when news comes of another's loss, as believers, we must first pray. Believing that God is able, we must pray for His comfort to be experienced, His presence to be made known, His Kingdom to be advanced.
We must also pray that we would use discernment in how we interact with those hurting most deeply. Sometimes, we must act. Through a meal, or a word, or household tasks, or a hug...sometimes, we must act.
And while there is beauty in sharing one another's burdens, while it is good to hurt when others are hurting, we must always keep an accurate view of the sovereign God. He is still the Provider of peace that makes no sense. He is still our good Father. He is still wise, and loving, and so very active. Therefore, rather than despair, we must always include the grace.
So, over the past year or so, I looked at every thrift store, every clearance shelf, hoping to come across a book by Elisabeth Elliot. Yes, I know...I could purchase one on Amazon or something super simple like that. But for some reason, I didn't. For some reason, I kept looking. And it worked out pretty well for me. At the end of this summer, I came across one of her lesser-known books titled, "The Path of Loneliness." Truth be told, this life-path without Mom and Dad, in a family and workplace full of married and dating peers, can be a bit lonely. The Lord and I have been working on this one (recognizing, and trusting, and delighting in His presence) quite a bit over the last several years, so, I just chuckled, told my sister I'd found my book, and left super excited about my purchase.
As I read these pages, I find priceless challenges and overwhelming hope. Many of these finds have come from thoughts I've held in my heart being so clearly put to words by another who knows what it is to grieve. Many more have come from the transparency of Elisabeth's writing as she shares, from great wisdom and grace, about the lessons her Heavenly Father has taught her along her own path of loneliness and healing.
One of the first things that hit me hard is this: "Those who only watch and pray and try to put themselves in the place of the bereaved find it almost unendurable. Sometimes they weep uncontrollably, for their imaginations never include the grace."
How true I have found this, both as others watched my siblings and I after Mom and Dad's death and as I now watch others begin their own journey of grief. I hate, more than almost anything, the moment I find out someone else is just beginning the grieving and healing process. I remember the raw brokenness. I know that soon, the rest of the world will go on as normal while the one hurting is trying to figure out what "normal" even means now. I know the complexity of the path ahead. I hate that others have to walk that path.
And then I remember the grace. And I am faced, again, with the realization that I hate that moment because I place my human limitations on the Almighty God. I cast the shadow of my own weariness over the situation and forget that the God who saw me through is every bit as capable in this new situation, in this other person's life.
The Lord reminds me that when news comes of another's loss, as believers, we must first pray. Believing that God is able, we must pray for His comfort to be experienced, His presence to be made known, His Kingdom to be advanced.
We must also pray that we would use discernment in how we interact with those hurting most deeply. Sometimes, we must act. Through a meal, or a word, or household tasks, or a hug...sometimes, we must act.
And while there is beauty in sharing one another's burdens, while it is good to hurt when others are hurting, we must always keep an accurate view of the sovereign God. He is still the Provider of peace that makes no sense. He is still our good Father. He is still wise, and loving, and so very active. Therefore, rather than despair, we must always include the grace.
Saturday, June 18, 2016
#Goals
#Strong. #Young. #Beautiful. #Adventurous. #Bold. #Independent.
#goals
Right? Isn't this what we are striving for?
Or are at least supposed to want?
What if our #goals looked a little different? What if they were more like
#Gentle. #Wise. #Confident. #Obedient. #Courageous. #Dependent.
Can this second set of #goals even co-exist in one human being? And who really wants to be known for these things? Don't they just make me a stuffy carbon copy of what my legalistic Sunday School teacher expected me to become? Or worse yet, don't they make me boring? weak? insufficient?
Let me back up and give you a little context.
I'm a 22-year-old female. College graduate. Single. Outgoing introvert. Love for new cultures and the outdoors. Learning each day to walk more closely with Jesus.
The world at my fingertips!!
At least that's what they tell me.
Lately, though, I've noticed some...issues.... Some fatal flaws in myself that are not fun to deal with--for me or anyone living with me.
You see, the sometimes-subconscious pursuit of the first set of #goals has produced in me an ugly six-headed monster, born of pride. Its heartbeat is nothing more than fear, which sends selfishness coursing through my veins, fueling my actions and thought processes.
Pride, fear, and selfishness don't look nearly as good in an Instagram post as strength, beauty, and the rest. They are the filth we conceal behind a freshly-painted door and a well-manicured lawn. They are often subtle, easy to dismiss or justify. But they are no less present and real.
And they are dangerous.
They are dangerous because they steal our joy, our enthusiasm for life. They build a wall between us and the people we love. They prevent us from seeing situations and other people through the eyes of the One who came to give us abundant life. They destroy our understanding of purpose, security, and grace.
I imagine most of us have experienced at least one of these, to some degree. So I want to switch gears. Enough of the doom and gloom. On to the effects of the second set of, seemingly-less-exciting-and-goal-worthy, #goals.
Because you probably forget what they are, I'll list them again.
#Gentle. #Wise. #Confident. #Obedient. #Courageous. #Dependent.
What if we laid down our pride and decided to pursue gentleness instead of strength? I'm not talking about the strength that holds onto right when wrong seems to be winning, or even the physical strength that allows us to accomplish the tasks set before us. Please, hold onto those kinds of strength! I'm talking about the strength that always says, "I've got this--alone. And don't second guess me because I'm right. I know it." I think, if we chose gentleness, we would find ourselves and those around us far more at-ease, encouraged to walk in truth, comforted by a kind of security that says, "You're home here."
Wisdom instead of youth. Well, we wouldn't make so many stupid decisions, for one. But we'd also realize that life is short, and laughter is beautiful. And in pursuing Godly wisdom, I think we would find ourselves more balanced, with a perspective that eases some of the pains of daily life and increases the simple joys.
Confidence over beauty. Is there even a difference? Haven't we been told that the most beautiful girl is the confident one? There's some truth to that. As long as the source of our confidence is Jesus Christ and the purpose with which He made us. Confidence in ourselves and our abilities is prideful and temporary, binding us to the fear of not measuring up. Newsflash: we're all gunna get old (if the Lord allows) and find ourselves wondering why things don't come together quite like they used to. Second newsflash: we already have plenty of "flaws." So if our confidence lies beyond ourselves, in the finished work of Christ on the cross and the fact that He loves us and chooses us, that He is able even though we're not...we'll be much better off.
Here's one for ya--obedience before adventure. I'm not sure why we let this one trip us up--myself included. My obedience has brought me to the greatest, most memorable, most picturesque adventures of my life. The most difficult ones, too? Yep. And, of course, to the ones that seem like they had absolutely no point. But obedience always brings us peace before God so that we can fully enjoy the adventures.
Courage and boldness. Though they sound much the same, there is a difference--at least in the way I'm using them here. Boldness says, "I've got to stand out! Make an impression they can't forget!" Courage is sometimes that loud, but other times it's quiet. Courage often enables that first step of obedience. Other times, courage puts us face-to-face with our inner-most battles so that there is finally victory, or at least progress, that brings us freedom. Courage says, "It's not about me, anyway. What have I got to lose?"
Finally, the one I've struggled with most here recently. Dependence. Why on earth would I, in light of all I already told you about myself, promote dependence over independence? Because, like nothing I've experienced before, my "independence" fuels selfishness that says, "My day, and everything that fills it, is about me." That means how I treat people is about what's most convenient for me. It means that how other people act towards me should obviously be about...me. It means that when problems or weaknesses appear, it's up to me to figure it out. Yikes.
Also, dependence is what God intended for us all along. From the beginning, God gave Adam access to Himself and a life to be shared with Eve. Dependence. Community. Psalm 62:7 explains it a little further. "My salvation and my honor depend on God; He is my mighty rock, my refuge." That means that my standing with God, and with man, depend on God. What a mess I create when I try to live by my own strength, my own ability.
Furthermore, I shouldn't be shocked, or even discouraged, when I discover yet another thing that I'm not especially good at. God created us to be in community. He created us to need one another, to use the gifts and abilities He's given us, and to value and partner with people who are great at the things which we lack.
Dependence is not a sign of weakness. Life with God is not possible without full dependence on who He is and all He's done. Life with people is possible with independence...but it's so much sweeter when we are willing to let down our guard, reach out a hand, and live life thankful for those around us.
So from now on, I want my #goals to look less like envy for another person's appearance, relationships, and adventures. Let's make our #goals actually mean something. Let's lay down our own agendas, pick up our Bibles (and read them, of course), and go into the world, our lives proclaiming the difference made by dependence on Christ.
#goals
Right? Isn't this what we are striving for?
Or are at least supposed to want?
What if our #goals looked a little different? What if they were more like
#Gentle. #Wise. #Confident. #Obedient. #Courageous. #Dependent.
Can this second set of #goals even co-exist in one human being? And who really wants to be known for these things? Don't they just make me a stuffy carbon copy of what my legalistic Sunday School teacher expected me to become? Or worse yet, don't they make me boring? weak? insufficient?
Let me back up and give you a little context.
I'm a 22-year-old female. College graduate. Single. Outgoing introvert. Love for new cultures and the outdoors. Learning each day to walk more closely with Jesus.
The world at my fingertips!!
At least that's what they tell me.
Lately, though, I've noticed some...issues.... Some fatal flaws in myself that are not fun to deal with--for me or anyone living with me.
You see, the sometimes-subconscious pursuit of the first set of #goals has produced in me an ugly six-headed monster, born of pride. Its heartbeat is nothing more than fear, which sends selfishness coursing through my veins, fueling my actions and thought processes.
Pride, fear, and selfishness don't look nearly as good in an Instagram post as strength, beauty, and the rest. They are the filth we conceal behind a freshly-painted door and a well-manicured lawn. They are often subtle, easy to dismiss or justify. But they are no less present and real.
And they are dangerous.
They are dangerous because they steal our joy, our enthusiasm for life. They build a wall between us and the people we love. They prevent us from seeing situations and other people through the eyes of the One who came to give us abundant life. They destroy our understanding of purpose, security, and grace.
I imagine most of us have experienced at least one of these, to some degree. So I want to switch gears. Enough of the doom and gloom. On to the effects of the second set of, seemingly-less-exciting-and-goal-worthy, #goals.
Because you probably forget what they are, I'll list them again.
#Gentle. #Wise. #Confident. #Obedient. #Courageous. #Dependent.
What if we laid down our pride and decided to pursue gentleness instead of strength? I'm not talking about the strength that holds onto right when wrong seems to be winning, or even the physical strength that allows us to accomplish the tasks set before us. Please, hold onto those kinds of strength! I'm talking about the strength that always says, "I've got this--alone. And don't second guess me because I'm right. I know it." I think, if we chose gentleness, we would find ourselves and those around us far more at-ease, encouraged to walk in truth, comforted by a kind of security that says, "You're home here."
Wisdom instead of youth. Well, we wouldn't make so many stupid decisions, for one. But we'd also realize that life is short, and laughter is beautiful. And in pursuing Godly wisdom, I think we would find ourselves more balanced, with a perspective that eases some of the pains of daily life and increases the simple joys.
Confidence over beauty. Is there even a difference? Haven't we been told that the most beautiful girl is the confident one? There's some truth to that. As long as the source of our confidence is Jesus Christ and the purpose with which He made us. Confidence in ourselves and our abilities is prideful and temporary, binding us to the fear of not measuring up. Newsflash: we're all gunna get old (if the Lord allows) and find ourselves wondering why things don't come together quite like they used to. Second newsflash: we already have plenty of "flaws." So if our confidence lies beyond ourselves, in the finished work of Christ on the cross and the fact that He loves us and chooses us, that He is able even though we're not...we'll be much better off.
Here's one for ya--obedience before adventure. I'm not sure why we let this one trip us up--myself included. My obedience has brought me to the greatest, most memorable, most picturesque adventures of my life. The most difficult ones, too? Yep. And, of course, to the ones that seem like they had absolutely no point. But obedience always brings us peace before God so that we can fully enjoy the adventures.
Courage and boldness. Though they sound much the same, there is a difference--at least in the way I'm using them here. Boldness says, "I've got to stand out! Make an impression they can't forget!" Courage is sometimes that loud, but other times it's quiet. Courage often enables that first step of obedience. Other times, courage puts us face-to-face with our inner-most battles so that there is finally victory, or at least progress, that brings us freedom. Courage says, "It's not about me, anyway. What have I got to lose?"
Finally, the one I've struggled with most here recently. Dependence. Why on earth would I, in light of all I already told you about myself, promote dependence over independence? Because, like nothing I've experienced before, my "independence" fuels selfishness that says, "My day, and everything that fills it, is about me." That means how I treat people is about what's most convenient for me. It means that how other people act towards me should obviously be about...me. It means that when problems or weaknesses appear, it's up to me to figure it out. Yikes.
Also, dependence is what God intended for us all along. From the beginning, God gave Adam access to Himself and a life to be shared with Eve. Dependence. Community. Psalm 62:7 explains it a little further. "My salvation and my honor depend on God; He is my mighty rock, my refuge." That means that my standing with God, and with man, depend on God. What a mess I create when I try to live by my own strength, my own ability.
Furthermore, I shouldn't be shocked, or even discouraged, when I discover yet another thing that I'm not especially good at. God created us to be in community. He created us to need one another, to use the gifts and abilities He's given us, and to value and partner with people who are great at the things which we lack.
Dependence is not a sign of weakness. Life with God is not possible without full dependence on who He is and all He's done. Life with people is possible with independence...but it's so much sweeter when we are willing to let down our guard, reach out a hand, and live life thankful for those around us.
So from now on, I want my #goals to look less like envy for another person's appearance, relationships, and adventures. Let's make our #goals actually mean something. Let's lay down our own agendas, pick up our Bibles (and read them, of course), and go into the world, our lives proclaiming the difference made by dependence on Christ.
Sunday, December 6, 2015
Fear Not
February marks four years.
Four years since life as I knew it radically changed. Four years since I said my final, "See you later," to the two most influential people in my life. Four years since Mom and Dad went Home....
So very much has happened in these almost-four years that my head spins at the thought of trying to capture even the skeleton of it. But I'll try. Because I know I need to face it head-on to bring the next phase of healing, I'll try.
That first year after Mom and Dad died was the most difficult I have known. The shock, then raw pain. The wondering if I would ever be okay again. Life was hard, but God was working. I'll never forget waking up one day and realizing I was going to be okay...that life is still beautiful. I'll never forget the release of letting my imperfect self accept the love of Jesus while choosing to love Him back. That first year was difficult, no doubt, but growth comes from dirt, after all.
The second year was a bit better. College was way more fun! New friendships came more naturally, and God provided me with some of my best friends to date. Yet there was an emptiness--a longing to belong that was heightened by great insecurity. And in that season of feeling so unsettled, the Lord patiently taught me, and gently reminded me, that He made me the way I am with purpose. Not just on purpose, but with purpose. He graciously allowed me to see the beauty within myself...He taught me about me so that I can focus on others. In that time, my love for people and teaching and adventure was quietly rekindled.
Year three. Year three was crazy! A whirlwind of love, and laughter, and tears, and vulnerability, and conviction, and hope as He sent me packing to Bolivia and Montana. Year three, God allowed me to put into action the work He had been doing in my heart. And though I still mostly felt a mess, He showed me that my heart had at least received enough healing to once again hurt for other people. Year three, my heart was tattooed with images that do not stop at brokenness. No, the images so clearly imprinted in the core of my being are images of hope and healing that only Jesus can give...and that I have the opportunity of sharing. Year three, I was convinced that the greatest honor and joy I could ever know is knowing and loving God and, as a result of that, loving the lost and broken, encouraging my brothers and sisters.
As the winds of year three subsided, I realized that God is faithful...and I have trust issues. Through year four, I've been learning to trust again. My head thought I was, and my mouth proclaimed it, but...the fear that gripped my heart told another story. The truth of the matter was that I didn't want to trust God with my future because so far, nothing has gone as planned, and the detours have been rough, and who knows when or how God will decide to fulfill my heart's desires for the remainder of my life. Yet the faithfulness of God has become one of my favorite attributes about Him. How? I'm not really sure. I guess because He gives me what I need when what I want is stupid...but He never tells me I'm stupid for wanting what I do. Instead, He shows me what's better, opening doors I never would have chosen, providing opportunities I never could have dreamed. And He gives me peace.
I have no idea what year five will hold, but this I do know: our God is real and alive and powerful and loving, and because of that--because He is God--He is deserving of trust. This is what I am learning. This is what I am clinging to. While there is still back-and-forth with how well I feel I'm doing, I have confidence in my God. There is hope through His faithfulness, joy in His works, and peace in His arms. And I pray that my life is seen, not as a picture of perfection or some "goal" to achieve, but as a testimony of what happens when man's deep brokenness collides with God's greater grace.
Four years since life as I knew it radically changed. Four years since I said my final, "See you later," to the two most influential people in my life. Four years since Mom and Dad went Home....
So very much has happened in these almost-four years that my head spins at the thought of trying to capture even the skeleton of it. But I'll try. Because I know I need to face it head-on to bring the next phase of healing, I'll try.
That first year after Mom and Dad died was the most difficult I have known. The shock, then raw pain. The wondering if I would ever be okay again. Life was hard, but God was working. I'll never forget waking up one day and realizing I was going to be okay...that life is still beautiful. I'll never forget the release of letting my imperfect self accept the love of Jesus while choosing to love Him back. That first year was difficult, no doubt, but growth comes from dirt, after all.
The second year was a bit better. College was way more fun! New friendships came more naturally, and God provided me with some of my best friends to date. Yet there was an emptiness--a longing to belong that was heightened by great insecurity. And in that season of feeling so unsettled, the Lord patiently taught me, and gently reminded me, that He made me the way I am with purpose. Not just on purpose, but with purpose. He graciously allowed me to see the beauty within myself...He taught me about me so that I can focus on others. In that time, my love for people and teaching and adventure was quietly rekindled.
Year three. Year three was crazy! A whirlwind of love, and laughter, and tears, and vulnerability, and conviction, and hope as He sent me packing to Bolivia and Montana. Year three, God allowed me to put into action the work He had been doing in my heart. And though I still mostly felt a mess, He showed me that my heart had at least received enough healing to once again hurt for other people. Year three, my heart was tattooed with images that do not stop at brokenness. No, the images so clearly imprinted in the core of my being are images of hope and healing that only Jesus can give...and that I have the opportunity of sharing. Year three, I was convinced that the greatest honor and joy I could ever know is knowing and loving God and, as a result of that, loving the lost and broken, encouraging my brothers and sisters.
As the winds of year three subsided, I realized that God is faithful...and I have trust issues. Through year four, I've been learning to trust again. My head thought I was, and my mouth proclaimed it, but...the fear that gripped my heart told another story. The truth of the matter was that I didn't want to trust God with my future because so far, nothing has gone as planned, and the detours have been rough, and who knows when or how God will decide to fulfill my heart's desires for the remainder of my life. Yet the faithfulness of God has become one of my favorite attributes about Him. How? I'm not really sure. I guess because He gives me what I need when what I want is stupid...but He never tells me I'm stupid for wanting what I do. Instead, He shows me what's better, opening doors I never would have chosen, providing opportunities I never could have dreamed. And He gives me peace.
I have no idea what year five will hold, but this I do know: our God is real and alive and powerful and loving, and because of that--because He is God--He is deserving of trust. This is what I am learning. This is what I am clinging to. While there is still back-and-forth with how well I feel I'm doing, I have confidence in my God. There is hope through His faithfulness, joy in His works, and peace in His arms. And I pray that my life is seen, not as a picture of perfection or some "goal" to achieve, but as a testimony of what happens when man's deep brokenness collides with God's greater grace.
Friday, August 28, 2015
Moved by Compassion
I never thought I would write a post that has anything to do with "politics" or our world's current events. Not because they're not important...I simply don't feel qualified, and all of the hubbub stresses me out!
But how can we, as Christians, claim to be living as God wants us to, without concern for the broken world we live in? And not just concern that makes us feel sympathy or righteous anger when we hear of another injustice...but concern that moves us to action.
I was convicted of this as I read in the book of Jeremiah this morning. Now, my personality is much more comfortable with mercy than justice, so the first, ooooh, 28 chapters of this book have not been what I would call enjoyable.
You see, the first part of Jeremiah is talking about the Israelites--God's chosen people--and how they constantly turn to other gods, and God has about had it. Exile, death, and despair are on their way. Sure, they deserve it. Yes, God is God and what He says goes. But it still makes me uncomfortable. I have to wrestle through content like this.
Yet I kept reading because I wanted to get the whole picture.
And this morning, I saw God's justice and mercy collide. And it all makes a little more sense.
First, we must not forget that God has been patiently, lovingly sending them prophet after prophet to warn them of the coming destruction if they do not turn back to Him. But they don't. God has been begging them--for years!--to repent and be saved. But they haven't. (This is where the "they deserve it" comment really comes into focus.) How often this is us.
Then today's reminder:
"'Is not Ephraim my dear son,
the child in whom I delight?
Though I often speak against him,
I still remember him.
Therefore my heart yearns for him;
I have great compassion for him,'
declares the Lord."
Woah. God is delighting over a "dear" son who has lived in years of greatest rebellion. That's love. Of course our holy, perfect God has been speaking against them. They're a wicked mess. But in His talk against them, His heart is not hardened towards them. No, instead, God's heart breaks over their condition. He longs to have them back, living as He always intended.
I have to think about where I fall in all of this. First, am I walking as one of God's children, or am I one stuck in rebellion? Second, if I am walking with God, does my heart break for the lost?
Do I reject and scorn the lost, or does my heart yearn for them?
Am I moved to bitterness, resentment, disgust, or superiority because lost people are living like lost people? Or do I have compassion because the lost are lost?
Compassion leads to action. We must get our hands dirty so that hearts may be made clean. This does not mean living in sin to "identify" with people. It means walking into the desert, having real conversation, making real relationships, offering time and resources, loving despite rejection, and pointing people to the life-giving water that is Jesus. We do not save them, but we introduce them to, and reflect, the One who can.
I, personally, have failed to do this. We, as a church, have failed to do this.
I don't recall reading about Jesus sitting and complaining with His followers about the state their world was in. Last I checked, He acted. He ate with sinners. He offered hope to prostitutes. He welcomed children. He set examples among His followers by washing their dirty, tired feet. He taught. He healed. He prayed.
It's time we stop singing about Jesus without acting like Him. We must be in close relationship with our Father, and from that, in whatever act we are called to, we must step out in obedience.
Our broken world will not be instantly fixed. But heaven rejoices over the salvation of just one lost soul, the return of just one wandering brother. May our hearts be moved to compassion. May our compassion always lead to action.
But how can we, as Christians, claim to be living as God wants us to, without concern for the broken world we live in? And not just concern that makes us feel sympathy or righteous anger when we hear of another injustice...but concern that moves us to action.
I was convicted of this as I read in the book of Jeremiah this morning. Now, my personality is much more comfortable with mercy than justice, so the first, ooooh, 28 chapters of this book have not been what I would call enjoyable.
You see, the first part of Jeremiah is talking about the Israelites--God's chosen people--and how they constantly turn to other gods, and God has about had it. Exile, death, and despair are on their way. Sure, they deserve it. Yes, God is God and what He says goes. But it still makes me uncomfortable. I have to wrestle through content like this.
Yet I kept reading because I wanted to get the whole picture.
And this morning, I saw God's justice and mercy collide. And it all makes a little more sense.
First, we must not forget that God has been patiently, lovingly sending them prophet after prophet to warn them of the coming destruction if they do not turn back to Him. But they don't. God has been begging them--for years!--to repent and be saved. But they haven't. (This is where the "they deserve it" comment really comes into focus.) How often this is us.
Then today's reminder:
"'Is not Ephraim my dear son,
the child in whom I delight?
Though I often speak against him,
I still remember him.
Therefore my heart yearns for him;
I have great compassion for him,'
declares the Lord."
Woah. God is delighting over a "dear" son who has lived in years of greatest rebellion. That's love. Of course our holy, perfect God has been speaking against them. They're a wicked mess. But in His talk against them, His heart is not hardened towards them. No, instead, God's heart breaks over their condition. He longs to have them back, living as He always intended.
I have to think about where I fall in all of this. First, am I walking as one of God's children, or am I one stuck in rebellion? Second, if I am walking with God, does my heart break for the lost?
Do I reject and scorn the lost, or does my heart yearn for them?
Am I moved to bitterness, resentment, disgust, or superiority because lost people are living like lost people? Or do I have compassion because the lost are lost?
Compassion leads to action. We must get our hands dirty so that hearts may be made clean. This does not mean living in sin to "identify" with people. It means walking into the desert, having real conversation, making real relationships, offering time and resources, loving despite rejection, and pointing people to the life-giving water that is Jesus. We do not save them, but we introduce them to, and reflect, the One who can.
I, personally, have failed to do this. We, as a church, have failed to do this.
I don't recall reading about Jesus sitting and complaining with His followers about the state their world was in. Last I checked, He acted. He ate with sinners. He offered hope to prostitutes. He welcomed children. He set examples among His followers by washing their dirty, tired feet. He taught. He healed. He prayed.
It's time we stop singing about Jesus without acting like Him. We must be in close relationship with our Father, and from that, in whatever act we are called to, we must step out in obedience.
Our broken world will not be instantly fixed. But heaven rejoices over the salvation of just one lost soul, the return of just one wandering brother. May our hearts be moved to compassion. May our compassion always lead to action.
Tuesday, April 14, 2015
Designed for Desire
"Keep breaking my heart."
I find myself bringing this unnatural plea before the Lord as I realize how far I have sunk into natural habits. These past couple weeks have left me humbled by the realization of how much my life has become about serving me--making me happy and successful.
In my mind I see a healthy me in the near future, surrounded by adoring students who are eager to learn...living in ideal housing, an active part of a thriving church, growing in relationship with a man who loves the Lord and has chosen me, surrounded by true community, with time to spare on the weekends for additional socializing or exploring. Oh, and all of this is, of course, done with an abundance of energy and enthusiasm!
Are these dream bad? No. Are they realistic? Possibly. How about beneficial in the long run? Yep.
So what's the problem? ...The problem, is that they miss the whole point. Not because of the dreams themselves, but because of my heart behind them. These dreams have become my idols. My motivation and the reason I put the extra hours behind that difficult project, even if it means getting 3 hours of sleep. So I find myself quite the opposite of happy and successful. I am tired. I am stressed. Weighed down by the relentless pressure for a perfect performance. I am reciting the right answers while my heart is aching, begging for the day to return when I won't feel like I'm faking it.
But in the process of breaking my heart over how far I've strayed and the over-attention I've given to dreams that have not yet come true, God is restoring hope. He is giving me a new desire for these things, but with the right heart behind them. He is reminding me how much more beautiful dreams are when they are placed in His hands. He is reminding me that the whole point is an active relationship with Him.
He is reminding me that these dreams are nothing compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Him. When we surrender, letting go of selfish ambitions, He is free to have His way. We must not forget that God will have His way in the end--He is God, afterall. So why do we fight it? Why drown ourselves trying to swim upstream when God offers a guided whitewater trip down, full of adventure, and support through the fear, and laughter along the way?
Throughout time, people have done all they can to create a god better than God.
Isaiah 40:18-20 says,
The human heart--the life-beat of you, and me, and the broken girl on the corner--has always longed for stability. If we could just create, or find, the one thing that will never change or fail us, everything would be different. We would never ever go back to the things that have let us down. Right? Wrong. At least in my life, that's been wrong.
How easily I forget that the God who created my heart, so full of desire, is the creator and provider of everything I've ever wanted. His provision may not always look like I expect it to, but that's part of the beauty of it...when we let Him, He gives us what we need long before He gives us what we want.
...A friend of mine recently built a cross for me to use as in illustration with the girls in my prayer group and to it, he attached a note that reads,
"As I make this cross, I reflect on what it actually symbolizes. We wear the cross around our necks, place it in our homes, see it on walls, and never reflect on how much it means to us. The King of the world stepped off His throne, and knowingly took His place on the cross for you and I. Not simply for you to enter Heaven, but He made 'the way' for us to have a relationship with Him. The choice is ours, will we spend our lives at the foot of the cross, living in the presence of our Creator? Or will we venture out looking for something better. I choose to stay here at the cross where I am promised eternal life with God."
Eternal life starts today, right now, and God wants us to spend it with Him. No more idols. No more fuss over things that don't matter. Not blind to the desires of our hearts, but daily surrendering them to our gracious Father, trusting that He will provide what we need, when we need it.
Why do you say, O Jacob, and complain, O Israel, "My way is hidden from the LORD; my cause is disregarded by my God"? Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and His understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. -Isaiah 40:27-31
We often miss that those beloved verses come right after those mentioned earlier in this post. We may search for something better and spend all our days and resources trying to create what it is our hearts desire, but it will never measure up to God. It will never be God.
All the striving and stress had crept in where God's peace is supposed to reign. But not today. Because of what God has done, because of who He is, my life again rests in His hands, and my heart's desires along with it.
May we recognize that He is God, and He is better. May we allow the earthly desires of our hearts to always draw us closer to our heavenly Father.
I find myself bringing this unnatural plea before the Lord as I realize how far I have sunk into natural habits. These past couple weeks have left me humbled by the realization of how much my life has become about serving me--making me happy and successful.
In my mind I see a healthy me in the near future, surrounded by adoring students who are eager to learn...living in ideal housing, an active part of a thriving church, growing in relationship with a man who loves the Lord and has chosen me, surrounded by true community, with time to spare on the weekends for additional socializing or exploring. Oh, and all of this is, of course, done with an abundance of energy and enthusiasm!
Are these dream bad? No. Are they realistic? Possibly. How about beneficial in the long run? Yep.
So what's the problem? ...The problem, is that they miss the whole point. Not because of the dreams themselves, but because of my heart behind them. These dreams have become my idols. My motivation and the reason I put the extra hours behind that difficult project, even if it means getting 3 hours of sleep. So I find myself quite the opposite of happy and successful. I am tired. I am stressed. Weighed down by the relentless pressure for a perfect performance. I am reciting the right answers while my heart is aching, begging for the day to return when I won't feel like I'm faking it.
But in the process of breaking my heart over how far I've strayed and the over-attention I've given to dreams that have not yet come true, God is restoring hope. He is giving me a new desire for these things, but with the right heart behind them. He is reminding me how much more beautiful dreams are when they are placed in His hands. He is reminding me that the whole point is an active relationship with Him.
He is reminding me that these dreams are nothing compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Him. When we surrender, letting go of selfish ambitions, He is free to have His way. We must not forget that God will have His way in the end--He is God, afterall. So why do we fight it? Why drown ourselves trying to swim upstream when God offers a guided whitewater trip down, full of adventure, and support through the fear, and laughter along the way?
Throughout time, people have done all they can to create a god better than God.
Isaiah 40:18-20 says,
To whom, then, will you compare God?
What image will you compare Him to?
As for an idol, a craftsman casts it, and a goldsmith overlays it with gold and fashions silver chains for it. A man too poor to present such an offering selects wood that will not rot.
He looks for a skilled craftsman to set up an idol that will not topple.
The human heart--the life-beat of you, and me, and the broken girl on the corner--has always longed for stability. If we could just create, or find, the one thing that will never change or fail us, everything would be different. We would never ever go back to the things that have let us down. Right? Wrong. At least in my life, that's been wrong.
How easily I forget that the God who created my heart, so full of desire, is the creator and provider of everything I've ever wanted. His provision may not always look like I expect it to, but that's part of the beauty of it...when we let Him, He gives us what we need long before He gives us what we want.
...A friend of mine recently built a cross for me to use as in illustration with the girls in my prayer group and to it, he attached a note that reads,
"As I make this cross, I reflect on what it actually symbolizes. We wear the cross around our necks, place it in our homes, see it on walls, and never reflect on how much it means to us. The King of the world stepped off His throne, and knowingly took His place on the cross for you and I. Not simply for you to enter Heaven, but He made 'the way' for us to have a relationship with Him. The choice is ours, will we spend our lives at the foot of the cross, living in the presence of our Creator? Or will we venture out looking for something better. I choose to stay here at the cross where I am promised eternal life with God."
Eternal life starts today, right now, and God wants us to spend it with Him. No more idols. No more fuss over things that don't matter. Not blind to the desires of our hearts, but daily surrendering them to our gracious Father, trusting that He will provide what we need, when we need it.
Why do you say, O Jacob, and complain, O Israel, "My way is hidden from the LORD; my cause is disregarded by my God"? Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and His understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. -Isaiah 40:27-31
We often miss that those beloved verses come right after those mentioned earlier in this post. We may search for something better and spend all our days and resources trying to create what it is our hearts desire, but it will never measure up to God. It will never be God.
All the striving and stress had crept in where God's peace is supposed to reign. But not today. Because of what God has done, because of who He is, my life again rests in His hands, and my heart's desires along with it.
May we recognize that He is God, and He is better. May we allow the earthly desires of our hearts to always draw us closer to our heavenly Father.
Sunday, February 22, 2015
Just Keep Growing
Sometimes God reveals His love and power and grace through another flawless sunset. Sometimes through the roar of waves upon the sand. Other times through the encouragement and hug of a friend. Often through His very Word.
A couple weeks ago, God reminded me of who He is through dirt and a crooked little tree.
After an emotional week, I knew I needed to escape to the woods and take a walk. So I did. The walk began with frantic steps, my heart desperate to escape the weight it had been carrying. As the sun filtered through the trees along top of the ridge, I began soaking in the warmth it offered, my heart encouraged by the way the light danced before me. And I began to pray that the light of Christ, and my desire to run along the path God has created for me, would remain constant in my life.
My head began to clear as I ran, and my heart with it. Then I stopped. And I just sat on a rock in the middle of the trail, and I rested. As the quiet of the woods overtook my clearly-need-to-run-more-often breathing, the smell of the earth became more and more noticeable. As I got up and began walking again, I noticed, not for the first time, the sparkly rocks and their pieces that decorate the otherwise-brown trail I walked. Now, my mind tends to function in similes and word pictures. So as the sunlight brought out the beauty of these glittering rocks, a thought hit me. Our lives are like that trail, and the blessings God sprinkles along the way are like those rocks: easily missed among the dirt, yet never difficult to find if we adjust our focus.
So that was a cutsey little thought, cheesy as it was. But my mind kept going back to the dirt.
There is nothing glamorous about dirt. It just sits there on the ground. We grumble when it's tracked into our homes, yet it always finds its way there. Dirt is messy, and it stains our favorite shoes, and it seems to find joy in causing us to slip after a good rain.
Yet it is in the dirt that things grow.
After a seed has died, it must have dirt in order to take root and become something beautiful and new.
Things like this poor, crooked, little tree.
At first glance, it's pretty pitiful. Ok, even second glance. But it's not. You see, this little guy did not just wither and die when the bigger trees around it blocked the sun light. It did not refuse to grow in the place it has been planted. No, it did just what it was created to do. It grew. At the expense of becoming tall and proud, like the trees most recognized and desired, it grew crooked. It did what it had to to reach the sun, its source of life.
Are we willing to be like this little tree and just grow? Forget about glamour and recognition and pride...and just grow...? It won't always be easy. There will be drought and flood, scorching heat and bitter cold. But will we take the dirt that surrounds us and the nutrients that lie within it, find our glimmer of light, and just...grow?
I hope so. With all my heart, I pray that we look not just past the dirt of our lives, but within it, so that we may know that the struggles never have to be wasted. It is in the middle of our mess that we are most stretched, sharpened, shaped, into all that we are capable of being. It is in the dirt, that we grow.
So though we never need be ashamed of our humble beginnings, no matter how insignificant or messed up they may seem, we also must remember that we are made to grow. And the beauty of being human, and not a tree, is that even if we start out wimpy and lopsided, there is hope. There is hope--even the promise--that as we walk with Jesus, soaking up the life He offers, we will become stronger. Tall and straight, an example of perseverance, a picture of what Jesus can do in a life that is surrendered and committed to falling, over and over again, into the arms of grace so that we may drink of His never-ending riches. Even more beautiful is the truth that Jesus has already done the hard work. Because of His sacrifice on that tree at Calvary, we need not fix ourselves. We cannot fix ourselves. We can no more open the heavens and make the rain fall than we can dig ourselves out of the mess we are in. Thankfully, Jesus is a pretty good gardener. Our only options are to either let God water us right where we're at, or let Him transplant us as we trust that He knows which will be best for us.
Jeremiah 17:8 (ESV) says, "He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit."
And who is "he?" Jeremiah 17:7 (NIV) tells us it "...is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him."
May we trust. May we choose confidence. And may we always keep growing.
A couple weeks ago, God reminded me of who He is through dirt and a crooked little tree.
After an emotional week, I knew I needed to escape to the woods and take a walk. So I did. The walk began with frantic steps, my heart desperate to escape the weight it had been carrying. As the sun filtered through the trees along top of the ridge, I began soaking in the warmth it offered, my heart encouraged by the way the light danced before me. And I began to pray that the light of Christ, and my desire to run along the path God has created for me, would remain constant in my life.
My head began to clear as I ran, and my heart with it. Then I stopped. And I just sat on a rock in the middle of the trail, and I rested. As the quiet of the woods overtook my clearly-need-to-run-more-often breathing, the smell of the earth became more and more noticeable. As I got up and began walking again, I noticed, not for the first time, the sparkly rocks and their pieces that decorate the otherwise-brown trail I walked. Now, my mind tends to function in similes and word pictures. So as the sunlight brought out the beauty of these glittering rocks, a thought hit me. Our lives are like that trail, and the blessings God sprinkles along the way are like those rocks: easily missed among the dirt, yet never difficult to find if we adjust our focus.
So that was a cutsey little thought, cheesy as it was. But my mind kept going back to the dirt.
There is nothing glamorous about dirt. It just sits there on the ground. We grumble when it's tracked into our homes, yet it always finds its way there. Dirt is messy, and it stains our favorite shoes, and it seems to find joy in causing us to slip after a good rain.
Yet it is in the dirt that things grow.
After a seed has died, it must have dirt in order to take root and become something beautiful and new.
Things like this poor, crooked, little tree.
At first glance, it's pretty pitiful. Ok, even second glance. But it's not. You see, this little guy did not just wither and die when the bigger trees around it blocked the sun light. It did not refuse to grow in the place it has been planted. No, it did just what it was created to do. It grew. At the expense of becoming tall and proud, like the trees most recognized and desired, it grew crooked. It did what it had to to reach the sun, its source of life.
Are we willing to be like this little tree and just grow? Forget about glamour and recognition and pride...and just grow...? It won't always be easy. There will be drought and flood, scorching heat and bitter cold. But will we take the dirt that surrounds us and the nutrients that lie within it, find our glimmer of light, and just...grow?
I hope so. With all my heart, I pray that we look not just past the dirt of our lives, but within it, so that we may know that the struggles never have to be wasted. It is in the middle of our mess that we are most stretched, sharpened, shaped, into all that we are capable of being. It is in the dirt, that we grow.
So though we never need be ashamed of our humble beginnings, no matter how insignificant or messed up they may seem, we also must remember that we are made to grow. And the beauty of being human, and not a tree, is that even if we start out wimpy and lopsided, there is hope. There is hope--even the promise--that as we walk with Jesus, soaking up the life He offers, we will become stronger. Tall and straight, an example of perseverance, a picture of what Jesus can do in a life that is surrendered and committed to falling, over and over again, into the arms of grace so that we may drink of His never-ending riches. Even more beautiful is the truth that Jesus has already done the hard work. Because of His sacrifice on that tree at Calvary, we need not fix ourselves. We cannot fix ourselves. We can no more open the heavens and make the rain fall than we can dig ourselves out of the mess we are in. Thankfully, Jesus is a pretty good gardener. Our only options are to either let God water us right where we're at, or let Him transplant us as we trust that He knows which will be best for us.
Jeremiah 17:8 (ESV) says, "He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit."
And who is "he?" Jeremiah 17:7 (NIV) tells us it "...is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him."
May we trust. May we choose confidence. And may we always keep growing.
Friday, October 10, 2014
The Biggest Lie
Tonight, I should be doing homework or going to sleep. Instead, the battle within me rages on.
It seems like every day lately has been a fight. A fight to keep my mind fixed on God and what He has, rather than on the fleeting things of this world. A fight to have a positive attitude and outlook. A fight to stay awake after long nights of studying or sharing life with the girls. ...Always fighting to stay on track or get ahead. The joy and excitement for life that I so desire seem to be hidden, lying somewhere beneath a blanket of stress, exhaustion, and lies.
How long will this struggle continue? How long will I buy into the lies that have me tied down?
"What is the biggest lie Satan tells you?" I was recently asked this as I prepared to share my testimony with a group of high schoolers. As I was planning to share about the love and faithfulness of God, His ability to heal our deepest wounds, and the relentless love of our Father, I knew very well how I would answer that question if it came up.
"You are not good enough. You will never be good enough." That's it. That is the lie Satan loves to tell me over and over, any chance he gets...because I have chosen to accept it. To own it. Sometimes, it comes in more specific terms.
You are not smart enough. Why try?
You don't have the skill or the stamina that that task requires. Why even begin it?
You are not what he's looking for. Why even dream of or pray for that man? That life?
You are not spiritually on track. Why would God use you?
You are not organized enough. Or lively enough. Or athletic enough.
You just don't have what it takes. Give it up.
You will never be enough.
And then I wallow. In confusion and doubt and self-pity, I begin to doubt the way God made me, and it's only downhill from there.
Why? Why do I believe this? Why do I repeat this cycle when I know they are lies?
For one, the lie is not so much about myself as it is God. Satan's goal has always been to drive a wedge between us and God. On the surface I am doubting me. Go a little deeper, though, and it becomes clear that I am not trusting God--His wisdom in creating me, His love in choosing and pursuing me, or His character in keeping me.
Then again, I believe it's because there is an element of truth to these lies. Hear me out. Satan does not just pull things out of thin air. He takes what is true and distorts it. He twists it, not beyond recognition, for then it would be useless, but rather beyond its intended purpose. Just as Satan used skewed scripture to tempt Jesus in the desert, he uses skewed scripture to bring us to destruction.
"All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." Truth. The lie? "You have fallen too short. The glory of God will not reach where you are."
"When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with the humble is wisdom." Truth. The lie? "Don't acknowledge or use the gifts and talents God has given you. That's foolish pride."
"I have told you these things that you may have peace in Me. In this world, you will have troubles, but take heart, for I have overcome the world." Truth. The lie? "Life is gunna be tough. Sure, He's got it in the end, but for now...you just have to get through it however you can."
The list goes on, differing for each of us depending on the day or even the moment.
Yet. There is hope. There is help. And it doesn't come from another fallible, fleeting human being. Yes, God often uses other people as an extension of Himself, but we have immediate access to the Father. I could go on and on about the importance of us saturating ourselves in scripture to combat the lies...but I think I'll just let the Word of God speak for itself. Maybe these are the truths you need today, too.
2 Corinthians 4:7-10 ESV
But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies.
Hebrews 4:15-16 ESV
For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.
2 Timothy 1:7 NLT
For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.
Philippians 1:6 NLT
And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue His work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.
Psalm 27:13 NIV
I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Too often, we get stuck at the part about man's depravity and forget God's sufficient grace. We stop at us and never make it to God. The results make complete sense. For we were never meant to stop at us. The intent has always been, and will always be, for us to return to God. Over and over again if that's what it takes, until our knees are bruised and bloody. Only after we return to God can we remain in God and stand firm in His truths. When we do return, we get to rest. We get to remain.
I've found my strength will never be enough to withstand the storm that rages in and around me. But even the wind and waves obey our great God. His ways are right and pure and good. He will never leave us or forsake us. And that's the truth.
It seems like every day lately has been a fight. A fight to keep my mind fixed on God and what He has, rather than on the fleeting things of this world. A fight to have a positive attitude and outlook. A fight to stay awake after long nights of studying or sharing life with the girls. ...Always fighting to stay on track or get ahead. The joy and excitement for life that I so desire seem to be hidden, lying somewhere beneath a blanket of stress, exhaustion, and lies.
How long will this struggle continue? How long will I buy into the lies that have me tied down?
"What is the biggest lie Satan tells you?" I was recently asked this as I prepared to share my testimony with a group of high schoolers. As I was planning to share about the love and faithfulness of God, His ability to heal our deepest wounds, and the relentless love of our Father, I knew very well how I would answer that question if it came up.
"You are not good enough. You will never be good enough." That's it. That is the lie Satan loves to tell me over and over, any chance he gets...because I have chosen to accept it. To own it. Sometimes, it comes in more specific terms.
You are not smart enough. Why try?
You don't have the skill or the stamina that that task requires. Why even begin it?
You are not what he's looking for. Why even dream of or pray for that man? That life?
You are not spiritually on track. Why would God use you?
You are not organized enough. Or lively enough. Or athletic enough.
You just don't have what it takes. Give it up.
You will never be enough.
And then I wallow. In confusion and doubt and self-pity, I begin to doubt the way God made me, and it's only downhill from there.
Why? Why do I believe this? Why do I repeat this cycle when I know they are lies?
For one, the lie is not so much about myself as it is God. Satan's goal has always been to drive a wedge between us and God. On the surface I am doubting me. Go a little deeper, though, and it becomes clear that I am not trusting God--His wisdom in creating me, His love in choosing and pursuing me, or His character in keeping me.
Then again, I believe it's because there is an element of truth to these lies. Hear me out. Satan does not just pull things out of thin air. He takes what is true and distorts it. He twists it, not beyond recognition, for then it would be useless, but rather beyond its intended purpose. Just as Satan used skewed scripture to tempt Jesus in the desert, he uses skewed scripture to bring us to destruction.
"All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." Truth. The lie? "You have fallen too short. The glory of God will not reach where you are."
"When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with the humble is wisdom." Truth. The lie? "Don't acknowledge or use the gifts and talents God has given you. That's foolish pride."
"I have told you these things that you may have peace in Me. In this world, you will have troubles, but take heart, for I have overcome the world." Truth. The lie? "Life is gunna be tough. Sure, He's got it in the end, but for now...you just have to get through it however you can."
The list goes on, differing for each of us depending on the day or even the moment.
Yet. There is hope. There is help. And it doesn't come from another fallible, fleeting human being. Yes, God often uses other people as an extension of Himself, but we have immediate access to the Father. I could go on and on about the importance of us saturating ourselves in scripture to combat the lies...but I think I'll just let the Word of God speak for itself. Maybe these are the truths you need today, too.
2 Corinthians 4:7-10 ESV
But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies.
Hebrews 4:15-16 ESV
For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.
For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.
Philippians 1:6 NLT
And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue His work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.
1 Corinthians 10:13 ESV
No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and He will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation He will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.
Galatians 5:1 ESV
For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.
No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and He will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation He will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.
Galatians 5:1 ESV
For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.
Psalm 27:13 NIV
I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Too often, we get stuck at the part about man's depravity and forget God's sufficient grace. We stop at us and never make it to God. The results make complete sense. For we were never meant to stop at us. The intent has always been, and will always be, for us to return to God. Over and over again if that's what it takes, until our knees are bruised and bloody. Only after we return to God can we remain in God and stand firm in His truths. When we do return, we get to rest. We get to remain.
I've found my strength will never be enough to withstand the storm that rages in and around me. But even the wind and waves obey our great God. His ways are right and pure and good. He will never leave us or forsake us. And that's the truth.
Monday, July 28, 2014
Scrubbin' Toilets. Changing Lives.
I've heard it said that everyone should be required to have a service job at least once during their lifetime. Waitress, retail...something like that. Those jobs teach so much about other people, but I've found they teach the servant even more about him- or herself. Scrubbin' toilets has the same effect.
I just finished reading a book written by Corrie ten Boom, a lady who grew up in Holland and was put in prison for hiding Jews during World War II. The opening quote says, "Today I know that memories are the key not to the past, but to the future. I know that the experiences of our lives, when we let God use them, become the mysterious and perfect preparation for the work He will give us to do." How true I'm finding this to be!
My whole life has been a series of preparations; of this, I am sure. I was recently given the opportunity to share my story--God's story in my life--and was reminded as I did so that nothing is wasted when we let God use it. I have been amazed time and time again at how God has used the things Mom and Dad taught and instilled in us to help us through the difficulty of their death. Even better than that, the memories and lessons from the past have given me hope and excitement for the life I have yet to live. Each trial and pain, triumph and joy, has shaped me into who I am today.
I remember in high school wondering what real difference being a Christ follower made in my life. I did the right things, but I couldn't look at my life and point out specific things that had changed or developed in me as a result of my relationship with Jesus. But folks, I'm happy to announce that God--once again!--knew exactly what He was doing. I needed those days of steady security to prepare me for the adventures I've now begun.
And the learning is not over!
These past two-and-a-half years, and the past two-and-a-half months in particular, have taught me so very much. After seasons of grief, healing, and new beginnings, I knew it was time for me to Go. No more sitting around, moping, waiting for life to take me somewhere. God was clearly opening several doors, and I knew it was time for me to step through them. Yes, there were fears, insecurities, and a couple doubts along the way. After all, with man, this is impossible. But with God...all things are possible. And so, before I knew it, my summer was booked for trips to the unknown lands of Bolivia and Montana!
I cannot begin to recount all that happened on these trips,but God certainly proved faithful and taught me more than I knew was possible in two short months.
One of the first things I noticed was how very much I had to learn!! Pastor Bruce, with Montana Indian Ministries, taught us the word hubris, which is arrogant pride. This pride is not always obvious, but it is detrimental to ministry. Hubris is walking into a situation just knowing that your way is best and all other methods must be cringed at and criticized. While we should always use Biblical discernment, I was amazed and horrified at how much prejudice I carried with me into these trips. I always thought I had an open heart and mind, but my trip to Bolivia especially revealed that this was not the case. After getting there, I realized that I had gone there to teach them about God. After all, they must need those lessons desperately! Instead, I was daily humbled by their deep understanding of the Scriptures and the character of God. God is alive and working in His church--His body--all across the world. He is not limited by culture, race, language, or economic status. I quickly realized that I was the one in need of a fresh perspective on God and the Gospel.
He taught me that following Him is always worth it. Sometimes, following God means that we will endure suffering and hardship, loneliness or boredom. But those times are valuable, too. They help us to see what a blessing the good times really are. They teach us patience, wisdom, and daily trust. They equip us to reach out and connect with people who experience similar struggles. But most of all, following God is worth it because it makes Him happy! Obedience does not, and cannot, make God love us any more...but I believe it makes His heart smile :) After all that God has done for me out of Him simply being Who He is, it is the greatest joy to know I am able to make my Father proud. Even if obedience brings temporary suffering, I have found that any cost is worth my heart being at peace with the One who created it. His grace is sufficient. His presence is guaranteed.
During these trips, it has become clear to me that going into ministry is something I'm supposed to do. As we step out in obedience--whether it is a shuffle or a great leap--God teaches us and solidifies things He has been telling us through His Word. For the first time in my life, there is a very real desire to make Him known. To be known for loving God and loving people. Before this summer, I would have said those were desires of mine...but action was lacking. When it came down to the moment, I rarely stepped out boldly and unashamedly for Christ because I was more concerned about being rejected. Now, there is nothing I desire more than for others to be given the opportunity to know and love God. This is more than salvation. While it starts there, no doubt, my heart has a deep desire for believers to become disciples. For the saved to step into the fire and allow God to shape their hearts and change their lives.
I've realized, too, that ministry is loving God and loving people. Without a love for God, all of the service is meaningless; it provides mere temporary help where an eternal difference is needed. Love also goes beyond knowledge. God Himself reminds us that it is our hearts He desires, not our religious acts. Loving God is seeking, desiring, and following Him--not simply knowing about Him. Once love of and for God has left its mark, we should love people and share Christ with them. If a man finds a treasure which is only multiplied when shared, what good has it done him to keep it from his neighbors in need? Knowing and loving God is personal, but it was never intended to be private.
In order to know and love God, prayer and reading Scripture are crucial. These are far too often neglected in my own life. My trip to Bolivia gave me a brand new appreciation and desire for spending time talking to God and reading His Word. My trip to Montana showed me again how much more I should value prayer, yet business and exhaustion usually filled my quiet times. At the end of my trip, I looked back in amazement at how much God had done, and yet I had to ask myself, "How much more could I have seen God do had I made time in prayer and the Bible a priority?"
Another thing: we were not designed to go alone. Jesus called and sent people two-by-two. Even when God and Adam walked in the garden together, God knew that Adam needed a human partner. So He graciously provided Eve. Ministry is tough. It can be tiring and challenging and frustrating, even in the midst of the blessing. This summer, God provided me with so many people to serve with. We were able to bounce ideas off each other and pull through when the going got tough. There was sweat, and laughter, and tears. We shared our hurts and short-comings. We rejoiced and laughed together as I have not laughed in a long time! Human relationships are so important to ministry in the way that they build us up and are a visual of Christ's love to those we serve. Take a look around. Thank God for the ministry partners He has placed in your life, and pray for provision where there is a need. If there is a need you know you are supposed to fill, do it! The body only functions to its full ability when all the parts are working together.
This is most of our awesome Team Bolivia, including some of the people we met there!
From left to right: Pastor Bruce, Carrie, me, Sande (Bruce's wife), and Miss Carol (a ministry partner of theirs in the summer months)
My cousin, Carrie, got to join me for my month in Montana. While many other wonderful people came and went during that month, her friendship proved as faithful as ever! I could not have asked for a better partner in ministry...and occasional crime ;)
And here's where scrubbin' toilets comes into play. While in Montana, I got to scrub several toilets. One day in particular, they seemed to just keep coming. Well, as I moved on to yet another, my attitude stunk worse than the toilets I was cleaning! And then it hit me: how dare I question and complain when God has clearly set a task before me?? We spend so much of our lives just wishing and hoping and praying that God will give us clear direction! That He will come out and tell us--if even for one day--what we are supposed to do. That day, God answered my prayer for direction. He had clearly brought me to Montana, and I was clearly needed to fill the role of Toilet Scrubber Extraordinaire. Yet...I was discontent. I wanted recognition. I wanted someone to talk to. I wanted to be doing BIG things for God!! ...Or at least fun things.... But that day, I realized how ridiculous all those things are. Jesus Christ left Heaven to dwell among sinners and spend His last hours being beaten, spit on, ridiculed, and rejected by the very people He was dying for. And I couldn't handle a few hours cleaning bathrooms...? In His oh-so-gentle-and-yet-blunt way, God was teaching me another lesson. It doesn't matter what I am doing. If I am doing it for God, with a heart of thanksgiving and praise, it is a task worthwhile. And, if I will not do the smallest tasks in this manner, then what makes me think I am ready to give my life to the Lord for His use? That day, it became very clear to me that God was being gracious in using "the little things" to train me for the lifetime I have committed to Him. In giving me a day of scrubbin' toilets, God was gently preparing me to spend my life joyfully serving Him--no matter the task!--so that other people may know Him.
Finally, life is full of joy and blessings!! Some days, we must work a little harder to find them. But I sure am thankful for another opportunity! I believe the moments of peace and laughter are just a glimpse of Heaven...God's reminders to hang in there another day as we thank Him for this life and look forward to our eternal one. Each day is a gift. Each moment is an opportunity to grow closer to our Lord and Savior. Each person we meet is a chance to let all that Christ has done in our lives unashamedly overflow.
So why wait to Go?? Wake up. Give your day to God. Love Jesus. Love people. It's what we were made to do :)
Sunday, March 23, 2014
Spring Cleaning, Please!
...The change of seasons always makes me restless....
We've been visited by a handful of warm days here in Virginia, and let me tell you, the restlessness is in full swing!
~I'm ready to trade in ~
Sweaters for sunscreen
seat warmers for a motorcycle ride
boots for bare feet
school work for mission's work
hot chocolate for iced tea--sweet, of course!
trips to the gym for treks through the woods
a cozy night in for a night out around a campfire...
I can't wait for free time, and baseball games, and vacations, and open windows on a muddy back road with the country music turned up, and staying up late without worrying about having to get up in the morning.
...An old, worn-out chapter for a new, fresh one!
I've found, over the past several years, that I become discontent and discouraged far too easily this time of the year because I'm just dying to move on to the next thing! Unfortunately, I've also found that it's during these times that I end up wasting hours reminiscing or dreaming rather than acting...which makes me fall behind in my work, which makes me stressed out, which makes me very unpleasant to be around, which discourages me even further, which...oh dear, it's a vicious cycle! One that's not unmanageable...just... difficult to break at times. I guess this whole time management thing is something the Lord and I still have to work on. And, yes, I do believe the Lord is very interested in how I spend my time. After all, it's not really mine. He's simply letting me borrow a bit of His :) Who am I to waste it scrolling through status updates I don't really want to read or sitting around, worrying about something that's out of my control? I think He would be much more pleased by me buckling down and getting work done so that I can enjoy the final few weeks of this semester.
Which brings me to another point. Where on earth has this semester gone?!?! I'm freaking out a bit over here. My life is almost over!! Ok, that's a bit dramatic (as far as I know), but seriously. This semester is more than half over. And when this semester is over, I'm half done with college. And then...well, then real life begins, and I'm quite aware of the fact that I have no idea what I'm doing after this!! Student teaching is only three full semesters away, and I could go anywhere for that. So where?! (Personally, I'm leaning towards somewhere along the coast so I can complete a day at school, tutor a few kiddos--whom I will absolutely adore (most days) and cannot wait to meet--in a after school program, make myself a nice little dinner in a cute little apartment, then go grade a few papers on the beach. Why not dream big, right?!)
Then that leads me back to that whole who-will-my-man-be-and-when-will we-be-us question, which I have to daily hand back to the Lord, it seems. Some days I really wish he would show up and speak up, already. That would be so convenient! You see, I've always been one of those girls who just knew I'd follow my man where ever the Lord leads him. Naturally, I was also sure that we would be quite established by the time my student teaching rolled around, so I would find a school where ever he was at. Now that none of that is quite so certain, my options are much less limited! Which isn't all bad, but it is also overwhelming and a bit frightening...because how do I plan my student teaching when I have no clue what will or will not change over the next year and a half?? And how, in the meantime, do I manage friendships with guys so that my heart is ready for that one when he does come along? What, exactly, does honoring God look like right now when it comes to Boys? Who should I pour the most time and energy into? When will the questions receive answers so that I can quit feeling like a middle schooler who just needs to sit back and realize that this one moment in life is not the end-all?
And sometimes all of this makes me wish I could pick up the phone and have a chat with Mom. Not that I don't enjoy/appreciate/gain from conversations with others, but...it's still not the same.
You see my dilemma here? These are the things my mind gravitates towards, instead of focusing on the math class that I absolutely cannot wait to be done with.
And yet...I do know one thing that will absolutely never change. My Rock will not be moved. Every good and perfect gift comes down from the Father of the heavenly lights, Who does not change like the shifting shadows. I draw so much strength and patience from this promise in James 1:17. No matter which friendships, job opportunities, classes, and plans come or go, I have the assurance that the One who is waiting to help me discover it all is 100% faithful and true. His character remains the same forever and always.
So tonight, I must pray a prayer of repentance. I have developed habits of worry, idols of my own fleeting plans and abilities, and priorities of worldly goals and perfection. I have been more concerned with my Christian checklist than with spending time getting to know my Father.
And I get to pray a prayer of thanksgiving. To a God Who just is Who He is. He is my refuge and strength, my joy and my salvation, my protector. He is the giver of all and the guide of the hours that lay ahead of me. He is enough for this fragile heart and easily-distracted mind. He is God. I am His. And He is mine.
...Which means, I don't even have to have answers to have peace. Peace and rest, I've learned, lay within God Himself, not the things of God. It's time I trust and rest in His character and love as I allow Him to rid my life of the junk that's built up over this past winter. It's time to let God do a little spring cleaning in the depths of my heart, tossing out the old, and refreshing who I am with all that He is.
This process could be a doosey! So I'd love some company. After all, it wouldn't be true spring cleaning if all the siblings weren't involved, too :)
We've been visited by a handful of warm days here in Virginia, and let me tell you, the restlessness is in full swing!
~I'm ready to trade in ~
Sweaters for sunscreen
seat warmers for a motorcycle ride
boots for bare feet
school work for mission's work
hot chocolate for iced tea--sweet, of course!
trips to the gym for treks through the woods
a cozy night in for a night out around a campfire...
I can't wait for free time, and baseball games, and vacations, and open windows on a muddy back road with the country music turned up, and staying up late without worrying about having to get up in the morning.
...An old, worn-out chapter for a new, fresh one!
I've found, over the past several years, that I become discontent and discouraged far too easily this time of the year because I'm just dying to move on to the next thing! Unfortunately, I've also found that it's during these times that I end up wasting hours reminiscing or dreaming rather than acting...which makes me fall behind in my work, which makes me stressed out, which makes me very unpleasant to be around, which discourages me even further, which...oh dear, it's a vicious cycle! One that's not unmanageable...just... difficult to break at times. I guess this whole time management thing is something the Lord and I still have to work on. And, yes, I do believe the Lord is very interested in how I spend my time. After all, it's not really mine. He's simply letting me borrow a bit of His :) Who am I to waste it scrolling through status updates I don't really want to read or sitting around, worrying about something that's out of my control? I think He would be much more pleased by me buckling down and getting work done so that I can enjoy the final few weeks of this semester.
Which brings me to another point. Where on earth has this semester gone?!?! I'm freaking out a bit over here. My life is almost over!! Ok, that's a bit dramatic (as far as I know), but seriously. This semester is more than half over. And when this semester is over, I'm half done with college. And then...well, then real life begins, and I'm quite aware of the fact that I have no idea what I'm doing after this!! Student teaching is only three full semesters away, and I could go anywhere for that. So where?! (Personally, I'm leaning towards somewhere along the coast so I can complete a day at school, tutor a few kiddos--whom I will absolutely adore (most days) and cannot wait to meet--in a after school program, make myself a nice little dinner in a cute little apartment, then go grade a few papers on the beach. Why not dream big, right?!)
Then that leads me back to that whole who-will-my-man-be-and-when-will we-be-us question, which I have to daily hand back to the Lord, it seems. Some days I really wish he would show up and speak up, already. That would be so convenient! You see, I've always been one of those girls who just knew I'd follow my man where ever the Lord leads him. Naturally, I was also sure that we would be quite established by the time my student teaching rolled around, so I would find a school where ever he was at. Now that none of that is quite so certain, my options are much less limited! Which isn't all bad, but it is also overwhelming and a bit frightening...because how do I plan my student teaching when I have no clue what will or will not change over the next year and a half?? And how, in the meantime, do I manage friendships with guys so that my heart is ready for that one when he does come along? What, exactly, does honoring God look like right now when it comes to Boys? Who should I pour the most time and energy into? When will the questions receive answers so that I can quit feeling like a middle schooler who just needs to sit back and realize that this one moment in life is not the end-all?
And sometimes all of this makes me wish I could pick up the phone and have a chat with Mom. Not that I don't enjoy/appreciate/gain from conversations with others, but...it's still not the same.
You see my dilemma here? These are the things my mind gravitates towards, instead of focusing on the math class that I absolutely cannot wait to be done with.
And yet...I do know one thing that will absolutely never change. My Rock will not be moved. Every good and perfect gift comes down from the Father of the heavenly lights, Who does not change like the shifting shadows. I draw so much strength and patience from this promise in James 1:17. No matter which friendships, job opportunities, classes, and plans come or go, I have the assurance that the One who is waiting to help me discover it all is 100% faithful and true. His character remains the same forever and always.
So tonight, I must pray a prayer of repentance. I have developed habits of worry, idols of my own fleeting plans and abilities, and priorities of worldly goals and perfection. I have been more concerned with my Christian checklist than with spending time getting to know my Father.
And I get to pray a prayer of thanksgiving. To a God Who just is Who He is. He is my refuge and strength, my joy and my salvation, my protector. He is the giver of all and the guide of the hours that lay ahead of me. He is enough for this fragile heart and easily-distracted mind. He is God. I am His. And He is mine.
...Which means, I don't even have to have answers to have peace. Peace and rest, I've learned, lay within God Himself, not the things of God. It's time I trust and rest in His character and love as I allow Him to rid my life of the junk that's built up over this past winter. It's time to let God do a little spring cleaning in the depths of my heart, tossing out the old, and refreshing who I am with all that He is.
This process could be a doosey! So I'd love some company. After all, it wouldn't be true spring cleaning if all the siblings weren't involved, too :)
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
2014 and Forevermore...
...This year, I want to have a healthy heart. Sure, I want the anatomical heart within me to be in good shape! But I want the very heartbeat of who I am to be as it should, too. I want this to be a year of growth--of getting to know God and of becoming the me He desires. I want beauty to mark each page I turn, each trail I blaze, each moment of healing through surrender and submission.
So here's to another year of becoming me as I live for Him!
This year, I want to make it a habit to...
Create.
Paint. Draw. Cook. Write.
Be Inspired.
Dream. Hope. Travel. Meet people. Read.
Live with joy, not just happiness.
Laugh. Seek the good. Count my blessings. Remember God's sovereignty. Let go of my dreams to embrace His plan.
Love sincerely.
Reach out to the lost and broken. See others as a blessing. Spend time with friends. Encourage strangers. Invest in the next generation. Serve wholeheartedly. Listen. Catch up with the family more often.
Be Teachable.
Learn from others. Have a good attitude. Keep an open mind. But always remember the Truth.
Be Productive.
Organize and put away my messes. Retreat from the chaos and spend time with God. Get some exercise. Complete my school work. Make someone's day.
Pursue Health.
Stay active. Eat well. Be outside. Drink more water. Remember: Everything in moderation.
Capture the moment.
Make memories. Take pictures. Journal it. Enjoy the little things. Try something new.
Set My Priorities Straight.
Get to know God. Put Him first. Read His word. Pray often. Value His opinion over the world's. Act upon convictions and Truth.
Take it One Step at a Time.
Hang in there. Take a deep breath. Cry. Step away from it. Remember the Big Picture. Smile with the memories. Accept the future. Trust my Father.
Relax.
Take the long way home. Do a puzzle. Listen to some good music. Spill my guts to God. Hear the rain. Soak in some sunshine. Feel the wind on my face. Make time for fellowship.
Be a Woman of God.
Embrace and Embody: gentleness, kindness, forgiveness, wisdom, humility, thankfulness, compassion, patience, and peace (Colossians 3:12-17), dignity, hospitality, discipline, purity, victory, perseverance, generosity, repentance, strength, and freedom.
I guess I got a little carried away! But it's a lot of good stuff--ways to remember that the bad days aren't so bad after all. They're just helping me remain teachable ;) Besides, life gets complicated. Why not have options? This will give God and me plenty to work with as we go through this next year!
No doubt, our days here get confusing and overwhelming and are always changing. But they're wonderful. Each one truly is a gift, and, while I look forward to the perfection that awaits in Heaven, I'm grateful that I'm given the chance to live this earthly life.
May 2014 give us a greater love for one another and draw us ever-nearer to Him.
So here's to another year of becoming me as I live for Him!
This year, I want to make it a habit to...
Create.
Paint. Draw. Cook. Write.
Be Inspired.
Dream. Hope. Travel. Meet people. Read.
Live with joy, not just happiness.
Laugh. Seek the good. Count my blessings. Remember God's sovereignty. Let go of my dreams to embrace His plan.
Love sincerely.
Reach out to the lost and broken. See others as a blessing. Spend time with friends. Encourage strangers. Invest in the next generation. Serve wholeheartedly. Listen. Catch up with the family more often.
Be Teachable.
Learn from others. Have a good attitude. Keep an open mind. But always remember the Truth.
Be Productive.
Organize and put away my messes. Retreat from the chaos and spend time with God. Get some exercise. Complete my school work. Make someone's day.
Pursue Health.
Stay active. Eat well. Be outside. Drink more water. Remember: Everything in moderation.
Capture the moment.
Make memories. Take pictures. Journal it. Enjoy the little things. Try something new.
Set My Priorities Straight.
Get to know God. Put Him first. Read His word. Pray often. Value His opinion over the world's. Act upon convictions and Truth.
Take it One Step at a Time.
Hang in there. Take a deep breath. Cry. Step away from it. Remember the Big Picture. Smile with the memories. Accept the future. Trust my Father.
Relax.
Take the long way home. Do a puzzle. Listen to some good music. Spill my guts to God. Hear the rain. Soak in some sunshine. Feel the wind on my face. Make time for fellowship.
Be a Woman of God.
Embrace and Embody: gentleness, kindness, forgiveness, wisdom, humility, thankfulness, compassion, patience, and peace (Colossians 3:12-17), dignity, hospitality, discipline, purity, victory, perseverance, generosity, repentance, strength, and freedom.
I guess I got a little carried away! But it's a lot of good stuff--ways to remember that the bad days aren't so bad after all. They're just helping me remain teachable ;) Besides, life gets complicated. Why not have options? This will give God and me plenty to work with as we go through this next year!
No doubt, our days here get confusing and overwhelming and are always changing. But they're wonderful. Each one truly is a gift, and, while I look forward to the perfection that awaits in Heaven, I'm grateful that I'm given the chance to live this earthly life.
May 2014 give us a greater love for one another and draw us ever-nearer to Him.
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
Finding Hope
It's hard to believe another year has almost come and gone. Another calendar year, and, for our family, another year without Mom and Dad.
Some days, the victory of making it through another day--another moment--is exciting enough. The holidays still brought an extra twinge of pain, a few extra tugs on our heart strings, and a sharper awareness of what we no longer have. I still thought of how strange it must look for Chase, Jordan, and me to be road tripping to Indiana without parents along. Opening presents without Mom and Dad just didn't feel right. The dinner table, though packed elbow-to-elbow, was a few elbows short of full. I can tell I'm a little less patient and a little more tired than I have been in a while. The loss is still great, and still real...but God really is so much greater. Tonight, God reminds me that His grace has brought us so far beyond just being "okay."
This past year has been quite the discovery process. I've learned that sometimes God strips away what we always thought provided our hope and joy and security to show us that He is the only sufficient One. In His grace, He has gently shown me how adulteress my heart is so that I am beginning to cling more tightly to my true Provider rather than running to temporary fixes. God is slowly, patiently, faithfully revealing to me the fact that the things I chase and long for in this world--even good things!--are simply not Him.
He alone reigns forever. His love and grace, faithfulness and provision, joy and hope are infallible.
So this Christmas season, the reality of loss is still inevitable, but the power of hope is stronger than the pain.
Tonight, as we opened Christmas presents, I received an ornament that was a cute little teddy bear holding a sign that simply says, "Hope." I smiled, and Aunt Beth leaned towards me and said, "I got you that because I've seen you really seeking out that hope this past year."
Hope. Hope brings encouragement and the will--no, the desire--to go on. "We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain where Jesus, who went before us, has entered on our behalf." (Hebrews 6:19-20). So hope and Christmas go hand-in-hand.
Our God in His kindness decided He didn't want us to have to spend eternity away from Him as we deserve. And so, the Christ child Jesus was born. In the form of a baby, so small and dependent, God delivered the most thought-out, enduring, powerful gift He could have given. He brought us a Savior. The gift is there, and though we don't deserve it, God longs for us to chose to open and embrace the gift of His Son.
So I have hope. And I'm realizing how much more lengthy my "Thankful-for List" is than my "Wish List." Each day, God reminds me to trust Him through my insecurities and to look for the blessings He's planted. There really is power in counting blessings!
This Christmas night, here is part of "My Thanks-A-Million List"
1. I am a child of the King, placed here for a reason. He promises to never abandon me as He helps me discover and fall into that plan.
2. I have true friends who love and support me.
3. The Lord grabbed the hearts of my grandparents, and they became first-generation believers. Since then, they have not been perfect. But they have remained faithful and, after 91 years, continue to enjoy life as they pray and seek the will of God. Their choices have made all the difference in the lives of our family members. I don't want to imagine what the process of grieving the death of Mom and Dad would have looked like without their faith showering years of prayers and wisdom on us.
4. I have a warm bed, new Josh Turner CD's :) , and yummy food to enjoy on this rather chilly night.
5. My family, though crazy and sometimes a bit much to handle, brings so much laughter, joy, and good goofy memories into my life.
6. God promises to have my back and go ahead of me as I step into whatever new adventures He has in store.
Yes. Tonight, I'm thankful for hope. Because who wants to go through life in fear? I've tried that route, too, and I don't recommend it.
My Christmas prayer is that God would become so undeniably real to the widows, the fatherless, and the broken-hearted. I pray for strength, peace, and joy for those who aren't able to be with their families over the holidays. Whether a loved one has gone Home, was a no-show to start with, or has chosen to go so they can defend the freedom of loved ones left behind, my heart goes out to the lonely and hurting hearts this season in a way it never has.
The beauty of hope lies in its reality and availability. Don't lose heart when hope seems out of sight. Give yourself some grace, make the choice to keep seeking and taking hold of God's glorious promises, and know you are loved. May hope in our eternal God restore your weary spirit and bring a special depth to the joy that already exists.
Merry Christmas, everyone. :)
Some days, the victory of making it through another day--another moment--is exciting enough. The holidays still brought an extra twinge of pain, a few extra tugs on our heart strings, and a sharper awareness of what we no longer have. I still thought of how strange it must look for Chase, Jordan, and me to be road tripping to Indiana without parents along. Opening presents without Mom and Dad just didn't feel right. The dinner table, though packed elbow-to-elbow, was a few elbows short of full. I can tell I'm a little less patient and a little more tired than I have been in a while. The loss is still great, and still real...but God really is so much greater. Tonight, God reminds me that His grace has brought us so far beyond just being "okay."
This past year has been quite the discovery process. I've learned that sometimes God strips away what we always thought provided our hope and joy and security to show us that He is the only sufficient One. In His grace, He has gently shown me how adulteress my heart is so that I am beginning to cling more tightly to my true Provider rather than running to temporary fixes. God is slowly, patiently, faithfully revealing to me the fact that the things I chase and long for in this world--even good things!--are simply not Him.
He alone reigns forever. His love and grace, faithfulness and provision, joy and hope are infallible.
So this Christmas season, the reality of loss is still inevitable, but the power of hope is stronger than the pain.
Tonight, as we opened Christmas presents, I received an ornament that was a cute little teddy bear holding a sign that simply says, "Hope." I smiled, and Aunt Beth leaned towards me and said, "I got you that because I've seen you really seeking out that hope this past year."
Hope. Hope brings encouragement and the will--no, the desire--to go on. "We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain where Jesus, who went before us, has entered on our behalf." (Hebrews 6:19-20). So hope and Christmas go hand-in-hand.
Our God in His kindness decided He didn't want us to have to spend eternity away from Him as we deserve. And so, the Christ child Jesus was born. In the form of a baby, so small and dependent, God delivered the most thought-out, enduring, powerful gift He could have given. He brought us a Savior. The gift is there, and though we don't deserve it, God longs for us to chose to open and embrace the gift of His Son.
So I have hope. And I'm realizing how much more lengthy my "Thankful-for List" is than my "Wish List." Each day, God reminds me to trust Him through my insecurities and to look for the blessings He's planted. There really is power in counting blessings!
This Christmas night, here is part of "My Thanks-A-Million List"
1. I am a child of the King, placed here for a reason. He promises to never abandon me as He helps me discover and fall into that plan.
2. I have true friends who love and support me.
3. The Lord grabbed the hearts of my grandparents, and they became first-generation believers. Since then, they have not been perfect. But they have remained faithful and, after 91 years, continue to enjoy life as they pray and seek the will of God. Their choices have made all the difference in the lives of our family members. I don't want to imagine what the process of grieving the death of Mom and Dad would have looked like without their faith showering years of prayers and wisdom on us.
4. I have a warm bed, new Josh Turner CD's :) , and yummy food to enjoy on this rather chilly night.
5. My family, though crazy and sometimes a bit much to handle, brings so much laughter, joy, and good goofy memories into my life.
6. God promises to have my back and go ahead of me as I step into whatever new adventures He has in store.
Yes. Tonight, I'm thankful for hope. Because who wants to go through life in fear? I've tried that route, too, and I don't recommend it.
My Christmas prayer is that God would become so undeniably real to the widows, the fatherless, and the broken-hearted. I pray for strength, peace, and joy for those who aren't able to be with their families over the holidays. Whether a loved one has gone Home, was a no-show to start with, or has chosen to go so they can defend the freedom of loved ones left behind, my heart goes out to the lonely and hurting hearts this season in a way it never has.
The beauty of hope lies in its reality and availability. Don't lose heart when hope seems out of sight. Give yourself some grace, make the choice to keep seeking and taking hold of God's glorious promises, and know you are loved. May hope in our eternal God restore your weary spirit and bring a special depth to the joy that already exists.
Merry Christmas, everyone. :)
Monday, December 2, 2013
Beyond Contentment
I usually avoid posts about relationships and self-image and all that, for several reasons, really. One of those reasons is that there are sooo many of them!! Post after post is about one more person's opinion or status in the whole matter. I think the reason for this is because God created us to be in intimate relationships, and our world is so thirsty for the commitment and life-long love that many believe is only a fairy tale these days. But that's a big ol' soap box for a whole other day. :) The other reason is 'cause it just makes me feel silly and a bit uncomfortable. I've always been a hopeless romantic, but I've never really liked to flaunt that side of me. I like being independent. I don't want to come across as desperate. And most of all, I guess there's a part of me that thinks, "If you avoid displaying the subject, it'll go away."
Yet here I am, about to share my heart on some of my most personal thoughts that may seem to contradict those above statements. You should know in advance that I only share this post to be real with you and myself. Life is a crazy ride. And let's be honest, for most of us girls, this relationship/self-image stuff is not something easily avoided. It's the stuff we either broadcast or hide and try to deny. It'll drive us crazy, yet there seems to be no lasting remedy. So, if you get confused, it's alright--join the club! :)
Most of you know I dated a guy, kind of off and on for the past two summers, but we officially ended it before starting school this fall. Our time spent together was great! I learned so very much about God and His love through Jason. I learned about the hope that was still available to me. I also learned about parts of me that I'm not so fond of...they say relationships will do that, you know. Our relationship was a blessing, but it was only intended to last for a season. It became clear to us both that that season was up, so we parted with a hug, grateful for the time we'd spent together, yet knowing that God must have someone else in store for us somewhere down the road.
So down the road I've gone. Needless to say, some days have been better than others.
On my best days, I'm so grateful that I'm single!! I love looking forward to the adventures I'll get to take without trying to schedule around some guy's life. I look forward to sister dates when I'm home over breaks. I have no problem dwelling in the love and presence of Jesus Christ so that I can get to know Him better. Those moments are great--so full of joy and contentment. I find myself thankful just to be alive and to go out into the world to discover another part of the woman God intends for me to be. On these days, sure, guys are alright, but singleness...that's where it's at! Not 'cause guys are overrated, but because each day is a blessing in itself, and I don't need a significant other to be fully aware of that fact.
However, other moments are not so full of sunshine and flowers. Sometimes, Satan attacks with gloom and doom thoughts, and I let him win. At my worst, I'm left insecure, doubting that who I am is anything significant or lovely. I become fearful of the future and wonder if I'll ever find that man I'll get to call mine. Or even worse than never finding one (girl translation: being chosen by one who I want, with all of my heart, to say "yes!!" to), what if I accidently pick the wrong one?! Or what if I'm left with someone who's alright, buuuut, you know.... Or what if who I am is simply incapable of attracting the type of man I want?? And then I turn right around and question the very person I see in the mirror. I wonder if my lack of being asked on a single date is my personality or my looks or maybe my laugh or my interests or outfits or this or that or blah, blah, blah.... And I just get sick of it all!
So then, I do my best to reign it all back in rather than staying in a place where loneliness and doubts seem to rule. God has taught me a lot about how to handle these moments, and I'd love to share them if you don't mind reading through them :)
Nothing makes me more excited than seeing a man who adores his woman while she stands behind him and helps him chase his dreams. No doubt, I still look forward to committing myself to a warrior of God who will cherish me and pursue me for the rest of our lives together. My hearts desire, cliché as it sounds, is to be a wife and a mother. So, God is gently showing me how to become that woman. He reminds me that these days are not just meant to be spent waiting for Mr. Right to snatch me up! Each waking moment is an opportunity to go hard after God and to embrace the simple blessings He sends me. I get to use this time to become the Biblical woman I want my Prince to fall for, and I get to spend extra time getting to know the Godly women God has placed in my life.
Of course, it never hurts to remember that when Prince Charming finally crashes our #foreveralone party, we will be so glad that we're not busy dancing with a dud :) Yet we are His daughters, designed to recognize the adventure in each and every day. Let's not spend so much time worrying about how we get to the next step that we miss out on the music God has playing for us right now. As women, we are called to a beauty that runs so much deeper than the perfect figure, hairstyle, outfit, or complexion. The beauty we should seek is the joy that brightens a smile and the love that brings comfort to an embrace. May we trust His perfect timing as we laugh, cry, twirl, and crawl our way along the path He has set before us this very day.
Yet here I am, about to share my heart on some of my most personal thoughts that may seem to contradict those above statements. You should know in advance that I only share this post to be real with you and myself. Life is a crazy ride. And let's be honest, for most of us girls, this relationship/self-image stuff is not something easily avoided. It's the stuff we either broadcast or hide and try to deny. It'll drive us crazy, yet there seems to be no lasting remedy. So, if you get confused, it's alright--join the club! :)
Most of you know I dated a guy, kind of off and on for the past two summers, but we officially ended it before starting school this fall. Our time spent together was great! I learned so very much about God and His love through Jason. I learned about the hope that was still available to me. I also learned about parts of me that I'm not so fond of...they say relationships will do that, you know. Our relationship was a blessing, but it was only intended to last for a season. It became clear to us both that that season was up, so we parted with a hug, grateful for the time we'd spent together, yet knowing that God must have someone else in store for us somewhere down the road.
So down the road I've gone. Needless to say, some days have been better than others.
On my best days, I'm so grateful that I'm single!! I love looking forward to the adventures I'll get to take without trying to schedule around some guy's life. I look forward to sister dates when I'm home over breaks. I have no problem dwelling in the love and presence of Jesus Christ so that I can get to know Him better. Those moments are great--so full of joy and contentment. I find myself thankful just to be alive and to go out into the world to discover another part of the woman God intends for me to be. On these days, sure, guys are alright, but singleness...that's where it's at! Not 'cause guys are overrated, but because each day is a blessing in itself, and I don't need a significant other to be fully aware of that fact.
However, other moments are not so full of sunshine and flowers. Sometimes, Satan attacks with gloom and doom thoughts, and I let him win. At my worst, I'm left insecure, doubting that who I am is anything significant or lovely. I become fearful of the future and wonder if I'll ever find that man I'll get to call mine. Or even worse than never finding one (girl translation: being chosen by one who I want, with all of my heart, to say "yes!!" to), what if I accidently pick the wrong one?! Or what if I'm left with someone who's alright, buuuut, you know.... Or what if who I am is simply incapable of attracting the type of man I want?? And then I turn right around and question the very person I see in the mirror. I wonder if my lack of being asked on a single date is my personality or my looks or maybe my laugh or my interests or outfits or this or that or blah, blah, blah.... And I just get sick of it all!
So then, I do my best to reign it all back in rather than staying in a place where loneliness and doubts seem to rule. God has taught me a lot about how to handle these moments, and I'd love to share them if you don't mind reading through them :)
- Sometimes the greatest comfort comes from reminding myself that this life isn't about me, anyway! Rather than that being one more depressing thought, it is so very freeing! My very existence is not about my own glory. I am here to please God, not man. I am here to reflect God and to remind the world that His greater plan is why we're here on earth. I was born to show the world how very beautiful God's story of redemption is, rather than on spending all my energy trying to measure up to an impossible standard of outward beauty. So, if some people think I look alright, you know I'll gladly take it :) But that's not where it ends. Even on bad hair days, or those days when not a bloomin' thing in the closet is workin', I can shine like the stars by focusing on my heart. When I just don't feel pretty, I remember that it's a gentle and quiet spirit that make God's heart smile. It's genuine love for those around me that creates the most attraction. It's the fact that I am created in His image and by His plan that makes me drop-dead-gorgeous, able to face the world with confidence, and more precious and desirable than I could ever imagine. Am I pouring out the love and blessings He's given me, or am letting the significance of them evaporate before I let myself be used by God? Am I letting my insecurities cloak God's majesty?
- I remind myself that I'd rather be single than dating the wrong guy or missing out on the mission God has for me on this day.
- I tell myself to just suck it up and smile because I am a daughter of the King, fully known and deeply desired. Nothing else compares to that.
- I find comfort in the fact that there is no one "right" type of woman. I recently thought of all the women who have made the biggest impact on my life, and I was blown away by how different each one is. Some are servants, others are leaders. Some speak softly while others struggle to use that filter. They have chosen to do so many different things with their lives, and, of course, they all look entirely different. But there's not one of them that I would hesitate to call absolutely stunning. My favorite thing about each one is that she has a deep love for the Lord and for the people around her. So that's my goal. To be a lady who is encouraging and lets the next generation know that Hollywood's standards are not the goal. The goal is to be content in who and how God has made us. But let's not stop at contentment. Let's embrace the choices God made while designing us so that we allow ourselves to be a blessing rather than hiding behind insecurities.
- When all of this is weighing heavy on my mind, I have committed to praying for my future husband rather than worrying about the logistics of when and how we'll meet and who he may be.
- Lately, God smacked me with one of those "Oh, duh!" type of thoughts that has become a favorite. As we (God and I) were walking along one evening, I realized that I was so scared I would never be able to make a man happy. I get scared that every guy will lose interest or get bored because I'm really just a simple girl who finds the most excitement in living daily life with the people who mean the most to me. So God addressed this, too. I've always known that no guy is flawless, so I must look to God as my primary source of completion and perfection. Well guess what? The guy is supposed to do the same thing! I'm scared I won't be enough, because I won't be. It's that simple. And that is why it is crucial that our men love God above themselves, and especially above us. If we unmarried women ever become priority number one, we'd better get out 'cause it can only go downhill from there! It will be my job to support and respect my man in a way that makes him want to be all that he can be, but it will never be my job to make that happen or to be his primary source of satisfaction. God must already have that place in his heart.
- Returning to scripture is always a good thing, too! That book holds so many beautiful promises of joy, laughter, better days, and a hand to hold when the going gets tough.
Nothing makes me more excited than seeing a man who adores his woman while she stands behind him and helps him chase his dreams. No doubt, I still look forward to committing myself to a warrior of God who will cherish me and pursue me for the rest of our lives together. My hearts desire, cliché as it sounds, is to be a wife and a mother. So, God is gently showing me how to become that woman. He reminds me that these days are not just meant to be spent waiting for Mr. Right to snatch me up! Each waking moment is an opportunity to go hard after God and to embrace the simple blessings He sends me. I get to use this time to become the Biblical woman I want my Prince to fall for, and I get to spend extra time getting to know the Godly women God has placed in my life.
Of course, it never hurts to remember that when Prince Charming finally crashes our #foreveralone party, we will be so glad that we're not busy dancing with a dud :) Yet we are His daughters, designed to recognize the adventure in each and every day. Let's not spend so much time worrying about how we get to the next step that we miss out on the music God has playing for us right now. As women, we are called to a beauty that runs so much deeper than the perfect figure, hairstyle, outfit, or complexion. The beauty we should seek is the joy that brightens a smile and the love that brings comfort to an embrace. May we trust His perfect timing as we laugh, cry, twirl, and crawl our way along the path He has set before us this very day.
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